


Clean

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Amnesiac Ben Solo, Amnesiac Kylo Ren, Canon-Typical Violence, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Evil Snoke, Eye Trauma, Insomnia, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Luke Skywalker, Jedi Training (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Mass Murder, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Minor Armitage Hux/Phasma, Minor Character Death, Murder, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Past Jessika Pava/Paige Tico, Redeemed Ben Solo, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Fix-It, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Unborn Child Death, Worries about Rape/Non-Con But Nothing Happens, canon compliant torture, implied character death in chapter three, in Darkpilot’s case, of sorts, snoke backstory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2020-12-21 07:48:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 35,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21071411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: After being shot down in his attack on the Raddus, Kylo Ren wakes with no memory of who he is.





	1. One More Time

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Call this an idea I had for quite a while.

The planet below was only remarkable in the sense that Kylo Ren’s TIE fighter had crashed there. 

Even as Poe got out of the shuttle that General Organa had lent him to go down there (he would have taken an X-wing, but honestly, he doubted that an X-wing could carry the monster with him), he couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing down there. By all means, leaving Kylo there — but then again, he was Poe Dameron, fundamentally, and he wasn’t about to leave anyone to die, even if they were a torturing, murdering monster. 

Besides, death was too easy. Death meant that Ren wouldn’t be able to answer for his crimes. Poe could say, safely, that he wanted Kylo to answer for what he’d done — to so many and so much. Including him. 

Including him. Poe knew that he would be tortured when he was captured by the First Order. It didn’t mean that it wasn’t terrible, in so many ways. 

The wreck of Kylo Ren’s TIE Silencer lay there, and for a moment, Poe wondered if Kylo’s body had all but been incinerated with it — but then he saw Kylo, lying prone there. Poe didn’t walk, but ran to him. 

He knelt beside him — and he could swear that his chest constricted in horror. 

Ben was lying there. Same clothes, same bizarrely shaped saber that was, as Poe experimentally pressed the button, all but useless now. And the same scar that Rey had apparently carved into his face. Covered up with some sort of tape. 

And even in the battle, Ben hadn’t been able to fire on Poe. That was how Poe and Tallie had shot him down. It...explained how Ben hadn’t been able to fire on Poe. It explained quite a bit...and if Poe was to be perfectly honest, it was enough to make him feel sick. 

It was enough to make him want to shake Kylo, scream at him for leaving him, for waltzing out of his life...but stars knew how many injuries that Kylo had sustained in the crash. That Ben had sustained from the crash, actually. 

Poe had difficulty hauling him into the shuttle. Propping him up to avoid further injury. Ben had always been bigger than Poe was. That was just a fact. And even sitting in the pilot’s seat, Poe could still feel the exhaustion of taking Kylo that far. 

***

”Why didn’t you tell me?”

In the end, as Doctor Kalonia checked Kylo over for injuries, that was all that Poe could actually say. Leia, meanwhile, looked overwhelmingly mournful. 

“I...” Leia seemed to be searching for a reason that she didn’t tell Poe. Finally, she said, “There was no right way to tell you, Poe. I wish there was. There wasn’t any right way to tell you that he’d become this monster who would destroy villages in the name of revenge against Luke...for whatever reason. Who would torture people.”

”I could have at least been prepared.”

Leia seemed to be putting two and two together. Then, “You think you could have saved him?”

”Yeah,” Poe said, after a while. Maybe he could have brought Ben back. Taken care of him. Loved him. 

Loved him. Even after a decade, he was still desperately in love with Ben Solo. There wasn’t any logic in it. He hated Kylo. He loved Ben. There was no sense in it. 

Leia sighed. “I don’t know if it’s possible...”

It was then that Doctor Kalonia exited medbay. “We had an...unexpected development,” she said. 

“Is B — is Ren all right?” Leia said. 

Kalonia sighed. “The head injuries he sustained in the crash were severe enough that memory recovery is...slim. Even if he wakes up, he won’t be Kylo Ren — but he most likely won’t be his former self either.”

Poe couldn’t help but feel like his blood had turned to ice. Ben — Kylo — an amnesiac? So he wouldn’t be able to remember Poe at all...

Or his mother. Or anyone. 

Leia nodded. She looked grim — like she was trying, vainly, to keep it together. “Can you heal the rest of his brain?”

”I can. I was also thinking — you have minimal experience with the Force, General. I could use your assistance too.”

***

Leia surveying the damage was grim. Even standing over Kylo’s unconscious body, she reported that the only grain of hope in this was that Snoke seemed to have lost interest in his former apprentice. 

“It’s odd,” Leia admitted, “That he’s gone.”

At this point, Poe was all but too exhausted to argue. He only knew that Leia had lied to him, lied to avoid the simple fact that she had failed to protect her son. Even animals protected their cubs. Poe didn’t get it. 

“Poe,” Leia said, “I know you’re angry with me. It’s deserved. But I’m asking...if you can trust me, one more time.”

Poe was quiet. 

“Look after Ben,” Leia said. “Whatever it takes. He needs your help.”

Poe sighed. “He made it clear he doesn’t need me long ago.”

”I think he does. At least...I think he needs someone to stop him from becoming Kylo Ren a second time. Because you were his friend.”

Poe snorted. “He didn’t have any hesitation about killing his own father.”

”I know,” Leia said. “At least, do it for the sake of the Resistance?”

Stang, she knew exactly what card to pull. “Fine,” Poe snapped. “I’ll be your dejarik piece. But if it looks like Ben’s going to become Kylo again, I’ll shoot him — and this time, it’ll work.”

Leia looked pained, but nodded. She had been in the Resistance long enough to know that you had to make painful decisions.

Poe knew it too. He wouldn’t be happy, shooting Ben Solo and having it work. But to save the Resistance, he’d do what he could. 


	2. One Year Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snoke reemerges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: I was originally thinking of having the Cantobight mission occur, but then I figured that considering Leia isn’t knocked unconscious after the Raddus battle, a lot of other things change. Holdo not coming into the picture until later, for instance. Leia getting to kick more ass as a General in the battle (as one of my disappointments was Leia not kicking a lot of ass as a General in TLJ). Et cetera. So...this is going in a new direction. Fuck canon!

It had been a year since Kylo Ren had lost his memory in the Raddus battle. 

It wasn’t the only development that had happened in the battle. Leia had ordered Snoke’s flagship brought down at all costs. If you asked her, she would say that not only did she not regret it, but Snoke deserved it, with everything he had. Not only for creating a new fascist section of the remnants of the Empire, but for manipulating her son like a puppet. Kylo was a monster, but Ben? Ben had been an innocent dejarik piece in a larger game. Leia didn’t feel that she had crossed the line to the Dark Side in ordering Snoke shot down. If anything, it was her penance for not doing something earlier about that parasite. 

Mothers were supposed to protect their cubs. And Leia knew that now. 

Meanwhile, on the planet of Triadus, a planet not far away from where Poe had salvaged Kylo Ren from the wreckage of his TIE Silencer, Snoke woke from the wreckage of the Supremacy, singed, badly battered, but nonetheless alive. 

It would take a lot more than that to kill him, he thought, gritting his teeth against the pain of his burns. If this old, spiteful, spoiled woman thought that she could actually keep him dead, she was wrong. He had survived worse injuries than that — including the injury that split his head down the middle. 

Leia Organa had no idea what it was like to be unmade. To be ripped apart, and then have to put yourself together. Like Darth Sion of old, as long as the dark places of this galaxy flowed through the cracks of Snoke’s flesh, he could not be killed. 

His robe was singed. Not even worth a pretty credit for all the damage it had taken. That was the least of his problems. Snoke knew that he needed transport off this pitiful planet. He had no intention of living out the rest of his limited-by-the-standards-of-his-species days on a fishing community. 

Surely there was a cantina around. Hux, miserable creature, had betrayed him, turned tail and ran when it looked like his skin could be suitably preserved. It would hardly stop Snoke from reclaiming his rightful throne, had the sniveling wretch decided to steal it.

Hardly anyone had seen the face of Supreme Leader Snoke. Something, Snoke reflected, he could use to his advantage even as he moved through the cantina that was playing truly irritating music. It was then that he saw her, a young human woman who looked to be twenty-one, her arms decorated with tattoos of thorns and roses, nursing a glass of Triadian Ale. And felt her presence. It was raw pain, but also raw power — what Kylo Ren could have been had he not ultimately proved to be a waste of midichlorians. 

Another failed apprentice. Snoke had had hope for him, such high hopes — and Kylo had left him with nothing. 

He approached her. She looked up at him, her eyes bloodshot. She had been drinking. That Snoke knew. Her red hair hung limply around her face. Then she spoke, her voice a bit slurred. “Y’look like you fell on bad times, mister.”

Snoke was almost tempted to snap back that the correct title was Supreme Leader. “You don’t know the half of it.”

”Yeah,” the woman said. “What happened to you and how’s the other guy?”

Snoke was almost tempted to chuckle. Almost. If she only knew. Then, “I’m looking for transport. And a traveling companion. I was thinking you could be both.”

The woman shrugged. “Anything to get off this dump.” She downed the rest of her drink. “I’m Avra, by the way. Who the hell are you?”

Snoke could have scoffed. How much importance humans placed on names! “If I may quote the late, great former Sith Lord Revan,” Snoke said, “Who I am is not important; my message is.”

”Okay.” Avra looked doubtful. “What’s your mission, then?”

”Balance.” That wasn’t entirely a lie. When Snoke has started off in his mission with the Knights of Ren, he had been tired of seeing the galaxy tearing itself apart, all over imbecilic ideas of Light and Dark. The Jedi and Sith alike seemed to view the people who were harmed as a result of their foolishness as nothing more than collateral damage. 

Snoke was no Darth Traya. He could, however, balance the galaxy as he so willed. To take the galaxy and reform it. Traya had strength; it was a pity she didn’t go all the way with it. 

Snoke continued. “It’s a simple matter. The galaxy is out of balance. The Light and the Dark battle it out with no consideration for who they harm. Collateral damage. Why do you think that the war with the First Order exists?”

”Because some stupid wanted to cause trouble with the Republic?”

Snoke chuckled. “Oh, that’s too simple.” He looked intently at her. “You...why are you in this cantina? Is it victory? Defeat?”

Avra sighed. “Well, you got me. I lost my job. My boss decided he didn’t give a kriff about what I was doing.”

”A pity.”

”It isn’ fair, y’know?” Avra said. “We’re just tryin’ to keep ourselves alive, and people can’t even feed themselves. It’s not just me; people are getting sick, starving, but the Resistance doesn’t give a kriff about that, and the Republic didn’t either before they got nuked!”

She paused. “Stang, Vice Admiral Stupid-Hair probably doesn’t care about that either. You know, Holdo?”

”I’m familiar with Holdo,” Snoke said. 

“Yeah. She’s been going on about rebuilding the Republic and helping the ‘downtrodden and oppressed’ and yadda yadda. Translation: they care more about their stupid grudge match with the First Order than people like us. It’s not kriffing fair.”

”You’re more perceptive than others would have been,” Snoke said. “But it is worse than that. The Republic’s always been a stagnant beast. Even Palpatine’s efforts to reshape it hardly worked.”

Avra raised an eyebrow. “That’s one way to put it.”

Snoke continued. “I can help your planet. Your fishing community may seem like nothing in the eyes of the Republic, but to me, it matters.”

Avra nodded. “That’s the first time I’ve heard someone say that. What can you do?”

”I can give you military manpower and support...and I only ask one thing in return. That you accompany me back to my fleet.”

Avra nodded. Hesitantly. She seemed to doubt Snoke, think he would somehow assault her. Snoke wouldn’t. All he asked of her in turn was to succeed where Kylo failed. That wouldn’t be so hard, would it?

***

It was three days since Snoke and Avra left Triadus. 

Supreme Leader Armitage Hux sat on his throne, feeling more than comfortable in his new position. It was a position that he knew had been meant for him ever since he was a meek, abused boy with dreams of greatness. Supreme Leader. He and Phasma both had done their jobs in terms of whittling the Resistance down to a mere group. Only General Organa and her minions stood in their way. Holdo too. And Skywalker was alive and had returned to the Resistance, but Hux and Phasma would deal with him more efficiently than Snoke could ever dream of. 

Kylo Ren, the ever-present thorn in his side, was dead. The Knights were under his control. Everything could not be going more swimmingly...and yet when Nara Ren reported that Snoke and a strange woman had boarded Hux’s flagship, the _Annihilator, _Hux could not help but feel a sort of denial shoot through him. Impossible. Snoke had been shot down...

And yet as the door opened, Snoke entering with that absurd gold robe of his badly singed, Hux knew that somehow, the logical rules of life and death and who could survive what hardly applied here. 

“It has been some time, General,” Snoke said. 


	3. Surfacing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux gets owned, and Ben’s Force powers resurface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Should be working on Kinktober, but I had quite the flash of inspiration here. Also, if you’re wondering why his last name is “Thracin” here, I figured (a) Leia would think the last name Solo, Organa or Skywalker would be too conspicuous, and (b) it’s an homage to my male PC in KOTOR, Gann Thracin. (I’m also one of the happy few who likes Revan/Bastila, just because I adore Bastila so much)

“You,” Hux sneered. “I thought you perished in the battle with the Raddus.”

”It takes more than that to kill me. Of course,” Snoke said coolly, “You’re far from the first to underestimate me.”

He reached through the Force in that moment. He wasn’t about to fight Hux physically. Not when there were more efficient ways. 

“I would ordinarily keep you alive,” Snoke said even as Hux’s hands strayed to his throat, gagging even as he did so. He could feel Avra’s horror. She’d get used to killing soon enough. So many ways to take a life... “But you’ve tried my patience long enough. I think the rabid cur’s uses have run out...”

Phasma shot at him. Snoke ignited his lightsaber, lazily batting away blaster bolts like they were annoying insects. Avra shot at Phasma, and while the two were distracted, Snoke made sure that Hux’s death was as drawn out as possible. Even as he watched Hux’s face all but turn blue with lack of air, watched blood trickle from the corners of his mouth, Snoke smiled, almost firaxan-shark-like. 

He’d forgotten how much he’d missed this. 

***

It was on the _Raddus _that Ben jolted awake, and rubbed his temples. Those two beings, who had been talking...that must have been Hux’s predecessor, Snoke, and Supreme Leader Hux himself. Snoke had effectively beaten Hux. It seemed that whoever won this match to be Supreme Leader of the First Order, the galaxy lost. It could have been a weird dream; stars willing that Ben had had a lot of these ever since Poe Dameron had rescued him. (Although why Poe would be acting a bit iffy about a guy he rescued, Ben didn’t know. Poe was a mystery to him, if he was to be perfectly honest) But this felt too lucid, too clear, and why would he be dreaming about Hux and Snoke anyway? 

Ben sighed. Maybe a shower would clear his head. It had to work, really. After showering, dressing, and otherwise preparing for the day, he felt slightly better. Slightly. 

He made his way down to breakfast, more specifically to sit with Tallie Lintra’s squadron, Blue Squadron. Across from him, Poe was laughing at some sort of story Jessika was telling — Jessika was cheerful and kind, even after all that happened to her, including the death of her girlfriend, Paige Tico. Ben had to admire her, if he was to be perfectly honest. And Poe...the way that he laughed so easily with Jess, Ben wished that they had that same relationship. Then again, they’d only been stationed together for what, a year? Jess had bonded with Poe for longer than that. 

“Hey.” Tallie’s voice. “You okay?”

”Yeah.” Ben turned to look at her. “Just had a rough night.”

Tallie nodded. “Join the club. I’m making jackets, if you want.”

Ben laughed. Despite himself, he felt his tension loosen a bit. “Jackets would be nice. Wonder what they’d look like?”

Tallie shrugged. “Still working on the designs.”

Ben didn’t miss the feeling like he was being watched. He looked over at Poe’s table, where he felt Poe’s eyes on him. 

“Can’t a guy talk to a girl without people assuming things?” Ben said wryly. 

He didn’t miss the flash of pain in Poe’s eyes, brief but there. It was something that Ben couldn’t help but feel bad about — while also being confused. It wasn’t like Poe liked him. In the regular sense, or the love sense. It was just a fact. Besides, Poe could have his pick of literally anyone. Ben wasn’t anything, or anyone, special; he wasn’t even good-looking. He was awkward-featured — his nose was too big, his ears too big, his lips too big. Not to mention he was too tall. Poe was short, but somehow he managed that pretty well. Short but perfectly proportioned. Ben could only assume he’d gotten good genes. 

Poe turned back towards Jess, though he seemed more subdued. Ben turned back to Tallie, huffed. “The kriff is his problem?” he said. 

Tallie sighed. “Ever since he came back from the Finalizer, he’s been acting off. I really think he should get into therapy.” A beat. “But don’t tell him I said that.”

”What happened to him?” Ben said. 

“He was tortured by Kylo Ren.”

Kylo Ren. The more that Ben heard about him (and really, he had a funny feeling that he wasn’t hearing everything. General Organa didn’t like to talk about him), the more he thought Tallie and Poe did the galaxy a favor shooting him down. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer son of a schutta, Ben thought. He wondered what had caused it — some people blamed the parents, but by that logic, Snoke should have turned to the Dark Side because of a crap childhood. Finn, a former stormtrooper, had gone through hell, and he was one of the most mellow people on the Raddus. Rey, a former scavenger, had gone through what any reasonable being would call child abuse, and she was still incredibly cheerful and sweet. Ben supposed he wouldn’t be surprised if Kylo turned to the Dark Side for some sort of stupid reason, like a girl or something. (It was always over a girl. Ben had seen enough holovids with Tallie to know that love made you do terrible things...at least in fictionland)

”Stang,” he said. “And he still gets up and puts a smile on his face after that?”

Tallie shrugged. “He’s strong,” she said. “He’s just not invincible.”

Ben could only assume. 

***

Reporting to General Organa about his nightmares wasn’t easy. Especially seeing the look on her face when Ben described his latest nightmare. Then, “Ensign Thracin, if I may say so myself...nightmares like this are usually visions. And it lines up with Resistance intelligence that we gathered regarding Snoke’s inexplicable survival.” Ben didn’t miss how she seemed to grit that last part out. 

“Isn’t nothing impossible with the Force?” Ben said. 

General Organa nodded. “Still, to return to combat after surviving a ship crash...honestly, if he’d died there on Triadus, I wouldn’t have shed a tear.”

”You must really hate him,” Ben said. 

General Organa sighed. “After all he’s done to the galaxy, can you really blame me?”

”Not really. So, visions,” Ben said. “Of what?”

”Force Sensitive visions, to be more precise.”

Ben snorted. “That’s literally the stupidest thing ever. There’s no...chance I have the Force. I mean, what are the odds?”

General Organa raised an eyebrow. 

“Okay, okay. Assuming that I have the Force...who’s going to train me? I mean, Master Skywalker was apparently as useful as a chocolate sabaac card, according to Rey...”

”I wouldn’t go that far.”

”I don’t see what I can learn from this grumpy dumbass other than how to blame the Jedi for everything.”

”Well,” General Organa said, “He’s not wrong.” A beat. “I know this is scary for you, Ben.”

”Scary? Not really. Well, maybe a little.”

General Organa continued. “But you, Rey...so many others could be our best hope of fighting Snoke.”

”Tallie and Poe aren’t Force Sensitive,” Ben said. 

“True. But you and Rey and others could restore the Jedi Order.”

Ben couldn’t say why that notion gave him a sick feeling in his stomach. 

General Organa continued. “Rebellions are built on hope, Ben.”

”I know.” Ben shrugged. “Jyn Erso said that.”

”A fine, strong woman. It’s a pity she died like she did. She and Cassian Andor...and so many others.”

Ben bit his lip. “I don’t know if I want to start training,” he said. “But...if I’ve got new Force powers, and this is a damn big ‘if’, I want to know how to control them.”

Leia nodded. “That’s more like it.”

***

”So, you want to learn to use the Force?”

Luke looked at him skeptically. Ben couldn’t shrug off the feeling that somehow, this man thought that he was akin to the bantha poodoo you’d accidentally step in. 

Ben shrugged. “I want to learn how to handle things like these visions,” he said. “I’m not planning on actually being a Jedi.”

”I see,” Luke said. “Luckily for you, I have no intention of teaching you like a Jedi. Not a conventional Jedi, at least. The legacy of the Jedi is — ”

”Failure, hypocrisy, hubris,” Rey said. She was seated next to them, her hair back in its usual three buns. Ben wondered idly if she ever changed her hair, and how she handled getting it ready every morning. “You told me; you don’t have to tell Ben.”

”It’s worth repeating,” Luke said. 

Ben shrugged. “Surely they did something right? I mean...they were guardians of the peace.”

”Their purpose was noble,” Luke conceded, “But there were numerous flaws in their code. Weaknesses. Considering that their students have fallen time and time again...”

”Maybe they were just, y’know, moof-milkers.”

Rey laughed in surprise, which she tried to cover up with a cough. Luke wasn’t laughing. “Did you hear a word I just said?”

Ben shrugged again. “I’m saying I don’t agree. That’s all.”

Luke sighed. “I see. Well, Ben, at any rate...it’s best you sit down. Cross your legs. Close your eyes.”

Ben did. Somehow, he couldn’t help but doubt the process. 

“Reach out. No, not like that...with your mind. Easy mistake.” Ben could swear he heard at least a touch of amusement in Luke’s voice. “You can feel them, can’t you? The people on board this ship...”

Ben couldn’t deny it. He could feel every presence, all but vibrating on the ship. A lot of warmth, a lot of light. Including Rey and Luke next to him — Rey seeming almost like a bright flare of a sun, Luke almost an unsteady spark in the Force. It made sense. Kylo Ren had ruined Luke’s life. Ben wondered if there was anyone’s life that Ren hadn’t somehow ruined. Kylo Ren: ruining lives was apparently his specialty. 

“Yeah,” he said. “They’re...a lot. A lot of thoughts. A lot of feelings and sensations. It’s...busy...”

”The Force is like that,” Luke said. “ ‘Busy’ is one way to put it.”

***

Heading back to his quarters wasn’t easy. Ben had the misfortune, on his way back, in running into Poe Dameron — who looked angry. There was no other way to put it. It seemed that Ben had a talent for making him angry. A talent he had outside his newly acquired Force powers. 

“Thracin,” Poe snapped. 

“Commander Dameron,” Ben said. “What did I do this time?”

”You’re doing Jedi training,” Poe said. 

“So?” Ben couldn’t help but be confused now. Why would Poe care if he was training to help himself with these visions, among other things. 

Poe met his eyes, a little too fiercely. Ben couldn’t help but stare at his face — at his lips. He couldn’t help but wonder — no, no, focus on the issue at hand and not that beautiful mouth or his voice that still sounded so pretty even when he was mad for no reason... “Aren’t things bad enough without the potential for you to terrorize everyone on the ship?”

Ben winced. “I don’t know what your problem is,” he said, irritably. “I don’t terrorize people. I haven’t done anything wrong.”

He didn’t miss Poe’s absolutely gobsmacked look. “You’ve been...” Poe made a sound, almost like a Jawa being trodden on.

”No snarky comeback this time?” Ben said wryly. “Or are you thinking of witty ways to blame me for things that aren’t my fault?”

”I...I swear you were born to make my life miserable!”

”Yes, that was clearly the Force’s grand plan,” Ben said wryly. “Everything revolves around you. I do _hate _to break up your narrative about how evil I am, but I mostly want to _avoid_ you.”

He didn’t miss how Poe looked in that moment. How his face fell. How he looked almost sad. It should have been satisfying. Somehow, Ben felt rotten even saying it. 

“I...” Poe seemed at a loss for words. 

“That’s the second time tonight you’ve been speechless,” Ben said. 

"I’m scared for you,” Poe finally said. He sounded embarrassed even saying it. What could he possibly have to be embarrassed about?

”I’m not going to join the First Order,” Ben said. 

Poe nodded. “I suppose not.”

”I won’t. They’re space fascists, aren’t they?”

”Yeah. It doesn’t mean they’re not persuasive.”

”They don’t have anything I want.”

Poe worried his lip with his teeth. “Hopefully. Just be careful. I can’t...” 

“Can’t what?” Ben said. 

“Never mind,” Poe said. “It’s hard to explain.”

He walked away. Ben watched him go, somehow having a funny feeling in the back of his head like Poe was lying. 


	4. Distinction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben undergoes training.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The next week on the _Raddus_ involved training in the makeshift room that Luke, Rey and Ben has rented out as a Jedi training center. During those instances, Ben learned how to fight, and he was pretty good at it — though he wasn’t Rey. He would say that much. 

“You grow up on Jakku, you adapt or die,” she said. Rey had moved on to making her own lightsaber long ago, giving Luke the lightsaber that he’d initially lost on Bespin. It was a unique sort of saber, double-bladed. Ben could imagine that she could send enemies stampeding for cover with those twin blue blades. “You’ll learn, though. Even on Jakku, I had to learn.”

“I can see that,” Ben said. 

He learned, of course. He knew the basics of fighting with melee weapons and blasters. Lightsabers were a different ballpark, even just training lightsabers. Even though, somehow, picking up a lightsaber felt almost like returning to an old friend. 

At one point, after a combat session, Luke said, “I think you’re ready to build your own lightsaber, Ben.”

”So soon?” Ben said. 

“Yes, exactly,” Luke said. “Back in the days of the Old Republic, they had three classes. The Guardian, the Sentinel, and the Consular. The Guardian’s more combat-focused, the Consular more Force-focused, the Sentinel a blend of both. I was wondering what you had in mind.”

Ben sighed. “Anything that’s the opposite of what Kylo Ren did. Assuming he was a Jedi, that is.”

”Interesting,” Luke said. “We’ll see.” A beat. “Ren was actually a Guardian before he fell. Which was interesting. Considering his natural affinity for the Force, I thought he’d be a stunning Consular, but his temperament was always a stormy kind.”

”Stormy how?”

”Occasional tantrums,” Luke said. 

Ben winced. “I like him less and less,” he said wryly. 

He swore that Luke actually looked a bit rueful. “I wouldn’t judge him too harshly, Ben. When he first came to my Academy on Yavin, he was a troubled young boy. Sensitive empathic and telepathic abilities that I doubt came from any part of his family. Nightmares. His mother...thought it was for the best. That I could help him.” A beat. “There were times, I think, when I treated him too harshly...”

”I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.” Ben said, awkwardly. 

“It’s...complex,” Luke said. He sighed. “But I doubt that I have time to walk down memory lane. If you saw a woman and her family being attacked by thugs, what would you do?”

”Help them flee,” Ben said. 

Luke nodded. “Say you were involved in combat with a Dark Jedi allied with the Sith.”

”A tad redundant,” Ben said wryly. 

Luke ignored him. “There is a pause in the combat. What would you do?”

”Well, I don’t know if I’d attack him again,” Ben said. 

Luke raised an eyebrow. 

“Well,” Ben said, “If I attack them again, especially if I go to town on them, it’s a one-way ticket to the Dark Side, isn’t it? But if I don’t defend myself, I lose a hand. So, maybe I could try and talk to them, find out what their motive was, and try and talk some sense into them?”

Luke actually looked surprised. Ben couldn’t say he’d seen that before, but it was worth it. Just seeing the slack-jawed look of astonishment. He regained himself quickly though, and said, “That...is actually one of the parts of the Jedi Code I agree with.”

”You ever think of trying that with one of Snoke’s minions?”

Luke looked tired in that moment. Like the energy was all but draining out of him. Ben couldn’t help but wonder if he’d done something wrong. Crossed a line somehow. “Did I say something wrong?”

”No,” Luke said. “Of course not.” And yet Ben couldn’t help but feel like Luke was lying, somehow. A lot. The questioning continued, with Ben answering the remaining two questions, and Luke saying, “It sounds like you would work best as a Jedi Consular, Ben.”

”Oh.” Ben laughed in surprise. “Nothing against that. Green’s not a bad color. Better than the yellow crystals.”

Luke actually laughed. Ben couldn’t help but wonder if banthas were going to sprout wings next. “Yes, Ben,” he said. “Indeed.”

***

Heading back to his quarters definitely was something that left Ben with more than a bit of a spring in his step. He’d gotten his lightsaber, a green, single-bladed lightsaber. (Somehow, he felt more comfortable with the single blade. It just felt right, somehow)

It was on the way back to his quarters that he bumped into Poe. Poe had been occasionally stopping by to watch Ben’s progress with a lightsaber. Progress. That was one way to call it. Ben couldn’t shake the feeling, somehow, that Poe was looking over him, still a bit sweaty and whatnot, dressed in Resistance fatigues. Looking over him as a mess, but definitely not with any sort of scorn...

”Hey,” he said. 

“Hey.” Poe sounded hesitant. “So, you made your lightsaber.”

”I did,” Ben said. “I’m a Consular.”

Poe nodded, slowly. “Definitely different from Kylo,” he said. “Kylo was a Guardian. One of those hack-and-slash Jedi.”

Ben nodded. “Do you see him when you look at me?”

Poe looked hesitant. Ben couldn’t say that he liked it, actually. Couldn’t say that he liked the way that Poe suddenly couldn’t look at him. His eyes were too expressive, Ben thought. Too vulnerable. 

“Well,” Poe said, “You’re more mature than him. But he was funny, like you. Lonely. You’re not that lonely. I mean...you’ve got Tallie...” And here, he sounded almost sad. Like somehow...

”You think there’s something wrong with that?” Ben said. 

“No,” Poe said. “It’s...complicated.” He shrugged. “Doesn’t really matter. You’re here, now. I haven’t been good at communicating it, but you...belong here, Ben.”

Ben couldn’t ignore the way his heart skipped a beat at that. 

“Thank you,” Ben said. “I didn’t think you’d say that.”

”Isn’t it obvious?” Poe said. 

“Yeah.” Ben swallowed. Even later, in his quarters, he’d have plenty of time to wonder what those words from Poe meant. “As hell.”


	5. Leavetaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben, Rey and Luke set off to Dantooine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It felt good to be the Supreme Leader once again, to dispose of the bodies of your enemies and get back to work, making the galaxy form in your hands like clay the way you wanted it to. 

So Snoke thought even as he once again took the throne — this time on Hux’s ship. The _Annihilator. _What a truly melodramatic name. At least the name _Supremacy _was appropriate. Avra, meanwhile, was settling into training as a Knight of Ren nicely. Nara Ren, vocal as ever, had voiced her doubts about a mere young woman from a fishing community who’d lost her job serving under them. 

“The anger of a dedicated young thing can be a sharp tool,” Snoke said. “As sharp as the weakness of a rabid cur.”

Nara had looked doubtful, but she trusted, inherently, in the Supreme Leader and his wisdom. In Nara’s eyes, the wisdom of the Supreme Leader was boundless and should you abide in him, he would never forsake you. A sharp tool, as sharp as a cur’s weakness and a young thing’s devotion. 

Supreme Leader Snoke looked upon his creations, upon the galaxy that he would remold in his image, and it was good. 

***

”What know you of the First Order?” Snoke said to Avra once. It was not long after she had practiced with Snoke’s Praetorian Guards; she still had a healing slice from one blade on her shoulder. 

Avra spoke. “Well...they’re evil. They destroyed the Republic.”

”And why did they do that, Avra?”

Avra swallowed. “Because they could. To hear the sounds of screaming, I guess.”

”No one can hear you scream in space, child.”

Avra raised an eyebrow. “I’m twenty-one. That’s hardly a child.”

”In comparison to me, you’re but a mayfly.”

Avra nodded. She looked skeptical. She would learn respect, in time. It would all but be drilled into her. All apprentices needed to learn respect, after all. As was their duty. Some of Snoke’s previous protégés hadn’t quite grasped that concept. 

“Where do you come from, anyway?” Avra said. 

That Snoke could not say that he had really thought about. Not in quite a while. When he had first thought that Ben Solo would make a fine protégé, he had shown him snippets of what his life had been, what he had seen. The galaxy crying out for a strong hand to force it back together. 

“I was the first, child,” Snoke said. “The first Force user. I existed long before the dawn of the Republic, long before Jedi and Sith had a name. Before other disciples of the Force had names and tongues, I existed. I am not one of the beings of Mortis, any of that fairytale nonsense.”

Avra nodded. “So you’re...just old.”

”Does my age offend you?”

”No,” Avra said. 

“I see,” Snoke said. “The battle between Light and Dark was far from meant to cause collateral damage. Or exist at all. My homeplanet, Milara, had a word for what might have been. _Ren_. Balance. Harmony.”

”Explains the Knights of Ren. Hmmmm.” Avra looked thoughtful in that moment. She was far from stupid, that one. 

Snoke continued. “The Force, the Light, the Dark — all of it was meant to achieve _ren_. To bring stability from chaos, purity from corruption. But it was...twisted. Corrupted. The Jedi Order sought to cut out the dark parts of themselves, encouraged by others to see them as nothing more than a cancer in their bones, a poison in their blood.”

Avra nodded. “They didn’t just cut out the parts of them that wanted to inflict pain,” she said. “They cut out everything else. Everything that made them sentient. They might as well have been drones.”

”Astute,” Snoke said. “And that was far from what the Force’s original design was.” A beat. “I thought my previous apprentice would understand the concept of balance. I was wrong, naturally.”

”Then I won’t disappoint you.” Avra said. 

“That,” Snoke said, “Depends.”

***

Ben’s head was already throbbing even as he woke up. He looked around his room, already taking in the surroundings that he had, the room on the _Raddus_. The sight of the sparse room, save for the holos on the walls, was enough to leave Ben sighing in relief even as he rubbed his temples to assuage the ache in them. Besides the sight of that strange woman training with red-armored guards, there was something else. Something that clearly didn’t belong to him. 

It had seemed too lucid to be a dream. Complete enough to be a memory. An old man, his face sorrowful and yet full of the sort of unconditional, undiluted love that could be weaponized, reaching up as if to touch his killer’s face —

  
Ben couldn’t help but shudder at the thought. He definitely didn’t want to be dreaming of Kylo Ren. He definitely didn’t want to have images of Snoke all but burned into his mind. Snoke, with his multiple scars and too-glib nature. He definitely didn’t want anything of Kylo’s memories — seeing things through his eyes. 

Thank the stars he was awake now. 

Even as he passed General Organa’s office on the way to breakfast, he thought he could catch Poe shouting, sarcasm plain in his voice, “Well, that’s just kriffing convenient! Like I always wanted to be tied to him!”

Ben furrowed his brow. What was Poe yammering about? He supposed he didn’t want to be within a five mile radius of Poe’s temper to find out. 

He made his way to breakfast in that moment, sitting near Tallie. Tallie furrowed her brow. “You look like a rancor chewed you up and spit you out.”

Ben shrugged. “Pretty colorful way of putting it. Just had a bad night.”

”You seem to be having a lot of those. Just saying.”

Their conversation was interrupted by Poe storming into the mess hall, sitting a little too forcefully across from Jess and looking, truly, agitated. Ben turned to Tallie. “Oh, excellent,” he said sarcastically. “One step forward, three steps back.”

”He’s probably having a bad morning,” Tallie said. “Leave him alone.”

”Figured that.” Ben said. He supposed that it just felt like another setback. Just when he and Poe were getting on at least acceptable terms, things had to conspire in order to get them back to square one. Hooray, he thought sarcastically. 

It was after Ben had finished his breakfast that he learned what exactly had Poe so upset. Even meeting with General Organa, and learning of a Force Bond that had formed when Poe had rescued him, Ben could already feel his heart sinking like a stone. Well, this was brilliant. This couldn’t get any worse. 

“I am not,” Ben said heatedly, “Going to spend my life attached to a self-righteous hypocrite who thinks the ends justify the means.”

He could have sworn a flash of hurt came across Poe’s face. A flash of hurt that was enough to make Ben feel, momentarily, guilty. 

“Funny,” Poe snapped, and Ben could feel that hurt lingering, even behind that sharp remark. “I’d rather be bonded to literally anyone else than you!”

”That isn’t even a proper use of the word ‘literally’ — ”

Leia sighed. “I don’t like this any more than you do. Either of you. I’m asking you to work together, even though it’s difficult. As far as I’ve gathered, a Force Bond like this can mostly be formed through a selfless act. They can be manufactured too by third parties, but they’re usually cruder, and hardly a Bond at all as much as a form of mind rape.”

Ben nodded. He supposed that made sense, more than anything else. Poe had rescued him. They had been linked there. It made sense, and yet, it didn’t. Ben knew he definitely didn’t want to be linked with such an insufferable man...

”So...can we just turn it off?” Poe said. 

“I wish that was the case, but it’s not that easy.”

”Great,” Ben said sarcastically. 

He could have sworn Poe actually looked hurt. What was wrong with him? At least he could pick an emotional reaction and stick with it. Other beings were usually consistent in their hatred of someone else, right?

”I know, Ensign,” General Organa said. “We’re going to have to find ways to...adjust to the Bond for the time being.”

Ben couldn’t say he threw a tantrum when he got back. But even as they drew close to Dantooine (it had been Master Skywalker’s idea, apparently, in order to find artifacts that could uncover more of the Jedi’s secrets), he couldn’t resist kicking a table. All he got out of it was a stubbed toe — and a cascade of fury from Poe even as the latter, apparently, upturned a table. 

— _a red lightsaber, slashing through a console, and that scorching heat that seemed to all but roll through him even as he slashed up the machine —_

Even taking a deep breath didn’t ease the throbbing pain in his toe, or the coursing of frustration and misery that Poe’s end was all but broadcasting to him. 

There was something in him that wanted to soothe Poe, wanted to help him, but something told him that disrupting Poe’s moment of simply, pure rage, wasn’t a wise idea. 

He sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing his temples gingerly. If there were drinks on base, he would gladly grab one. 

***

It was when the storm cleared that Poe stepped away from the overturned table, BB-8 warbling nervously. Poe sighed. It wasn’t one of his proudest moments, he knew that much. He prided himself on being in control even in his worst moments. Good old Poe Dameron, able to keep control of himself even when things were falling down around his ears. 

Now it seemed that Ben was challenging that. Kylo was challenging that. It wasn’t fair to pick on someone who had amnesia. But it was like even looking at Ben Thracin, Poe saw Ben Solo, saw Kylo Ren — the man who had waltzed out of his life, only to waltz back into Poe’s life just to —

Poe couldn’t bear to think about it. The village on Tuanul, even as he pleaded for Kylo to stop. The feeling like something, something, was just wriggling around in his head...

He could feel Ben on the other end of the connection, thankfully getting into bed. Not even making a move to prod, to poke. Like Ben was ignoring him. Fine by Poe. And yet, even as he climbed into bed himself, he couldn’t help but feel like a part of him, a part of him that should have been there, was missing. 

***

Ben jolted awake from his fitful sleep, looking around his room not for the first time. After having some bizarre dreams that seemed miniscule and welcome in comparison to everything else, after a strange snippet of Snoke lecturing and ranting about how the Resistance were vicious animals incapable of compassion, how they tortured and slaughtered worse than the First Order to preserve “that cancer of corruption that is the Republic”, he had woken up to the feeling like his body was on fire. It had been linked, he thought, to that vision of being blasted across that throne room all but drenched in red. Feeling like his nerves were sizzling...

It was just a bad dream, Ben told himself. And yet it seemed too lucid and coherent to be a dream, in the end. And you couldn’t feel pain transfer into the real worlds from dreams. Could you? 

Either way, Ben was glad to be awake. 

He bumped into Poe when he was heading down to the mess hall. Bumped into him, with soaking wet hair and wide eyes, and Ben couldn’t help but notice that even recently washed up from a shower, Poe was incredibly striking. The drops of water glistening on black hair and smooth olive skin. Ben couldn’t think of someone he less wanted to see and yet...

”I heard you,” Poe said, and for a moment, Ben could swear that his voice actually did become a bit softer, and even...concerned? For him? It seemed that Poe Dameron could swing between kindness and anger depending on which way the wind was blowing — at least with Ben. 

“Did you?” Ben said. 

“Yeah. I mean...I wanted to make sure you were okay. You felt like you were in pain.”

Ben nodded. Somehow, he couldn’t get over the fact that Poe was giving him whiplash. 

“Don’t look so shocked,” Poe said. “I mean, I don’t like you. It doesn’t mean I want you to be in pain.”

Ben couldn’t help but notice Poe’s voice shake a little on “I don’t like you”, almost like he was...lying, really. Poe wasn’t a good liar. Ben had been on the Raddus long enough to know that much. Why Poe would lie about not liking him, why Poe would find the need to...

”What is going on with you?” Ben said. “I mean, one moment you’re shouting at me, the next you’re worried about me. It would be more comfortable if you straight up hated me.”

Poe swallowed. He looked truly uncomfortable, hesitant. And his eyes — Ben doubted he had ever seen so much pain in them. “I don’t hate you,” he said. “Completely.”

”You’re doing a damn good job hiding it,” Ben said, a bit irritably. 

“I said ‘completely’.” Poe said. 

The pause between them felt too loud, if Ben was to be perfectly honest. He couldn’t say what exactly he felt for Poe, a mixture of attraction and irritation. That sounded about right, actually. Attraction and irritation. Poe Dameron was a beautiful, generally good-hearted if prickly man — it was just a pity that you had to poke a bit to get at the “good-hearted” bit.

”It’s a long story,” Poe said. “I don’t think you’d understand.”

”Then help me understand.”

Before Poe could say anything else, there were footsteps. Snap. “What’s keeping you so long, Poe?” he said. Then the pilot paused, looking awkward, like somehow he’d interrupted an intimate moment. “Stang. Did I interrupt something?”

“No,” Ben said, at the same time that Poe said, “It’s okay, Snap.”

Snap nodded. He looked doubtful, but he backed off, no doubt to get back to Kare. After a while, Poe said, “I’ll see you around.”

”Yeah.” Ben, deep inside, wished he knew, just knew, what Poe was talking about. Saying that he didn’t completely hate him. What did he see when he looked at Ben? What existed in the corners of his mind that he didn’t want others to know about? Was it Kylo? Stang, but that had to be bad for him, Ben thought.

Even discussing it with Tallie over breakfast, the young pilot said, “Even if it was Ren he was still angry at, it’s not like you’re...him.”

”Yeah. I’m not.” Was Ren a complete stranger to Poe before the torture? Had he — but then again, Ben couldn’t picture any two less likely people to have known each other beforehand.

Later, Luke spoke with him. “We’ll have to be incognito when we go to Dantooine,” he said. “It will be...good. For you and Rey. Learning about your history, your lineage. Why the Jedi need to be...remade, without the mistakes of the past.”

Ben nodded. “As long as we don’t get seen. Or endanger anyone else.”

”We’ll have to lie low,” Luke said. “But there are things I think you need to see.”

***

Poe wasn’t happy with it, of course. “Just...be careful,” he said. “I mean...Dantooine’s not exactly a walk in the park.”

Ben nodded. “I figured that. Thought you’d be glad to be rid of me, though.”

Poe swallowed. “It’s not...explainable,” he said. “But I don’t want you hurt or dead.”

”Kind of you,” Ben said.

“Look,” Poe said, “Take these.” He pressed some green packs into Ben’s hand. “They’re antidote kits. Dantooine’s probably going to be crawling with kinrath. They’re pretty bad. And...keep the comlink open. Promise me.”

The mere touch of Poe’s hand shouldn’t have made Ben’s heart skip a beat. It did anyway. Damn Poe. Damn him for being so gentle in that moment. He wondered if he would ever get a moment of softness out of Poe, even a smile, just for him.

“I...I’ll do it,” Ben said. He had a strange feeling like he hadn’t been touched like that in quite some time. Like he had mostly been passed over, forgotten by the galaxy, even by himself. He couldn’t say why.

“Good,” Poe said.

Ben winked at him, a friendly wink, and he thought he could see the corners of Poe’s lips twitch a little. “May the Force be with you,” Ben said.

Poe nodded. “And with you.”

Even walking away, Ben reflected that he had almost gotten a smile out of Poe. Almost. That was a victory.

***

The shuttle was disguised as a neutral ship, as the First Order was still looking for the remnants of the Resistance. Even sitting in the cockpit of the shuttle with Rey as they prepared to touch down on Dantooine, Ben said, “I didn’t know you were a pilot.”

”I flew ships on Jakku,” Rey said. “Though I didn’t leave the planet until...Ren hunted down me and Finn.”

Maybe that was one life that, in a sick way, Ren had improved. “What did he want?” Ben said.

“He wanted a map. To Luke,” Rey said. “Ri’ia knows what he wanted with Luke. But he was willing to do terrible things to get it.”

”Obviously,” Ben said.

“Poe wasn’t the only one he tortured. He tortured me too.”

Ben winced. “I’m sorry,” he said.

For a moment, he could have sworn that Rey actually looked surprised. Then, as if she wanted to quickly change the subject, she said, “Who gave you those packets?”

”Poe,” Ben said.

Rey nodded. “He’s not really that bad,” she said. “He’s just...well, he’s just got problems. He hasn’t really told me what they were. But he’s not a jerk or anything.”

Ben nodded. “I guess not,” he said. “He...doesn’t seem to be prickly to anyone else. It’s like I have a talent for making him mad.”

A shrug from Rey. “Probably.” She looked uneasy as she said it. “He’s not bad when you get to know him.”

”Don’t know how I’d do that,” Ben said. “He’s as locked down as a smuggling compartment.”

”Maybe when he’s ready,” Rey said. 

***

Getting to bed wasn’t easy. Ben supposed he could read some of the texts that Luke and Rey had dragged onboard. Even lugging it on the bed, he supposed that there was really no reason for it to be that heavy. He wondered if the book needed to take off a few pages, use less words. 

He opened the book to page one, coughing even as dust rose off the pages, and all but froze when he saw the first illustration. 

What in the entire kriff was Supreme Leader Snoke, or some semblance of him, doing on the first page?


	6. Landing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben, Rey and Luke go to the Enclave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.,

Ben paused for a long moment, looking at the almost circular print of...well, it was probably just a coincidence, right? After all, how many beings wore tacky gold robes in the galaxy? And this...print seemed to be lacking the distinctive scars that Snoke had. Maybe it was a distant ancestor or a cousin. (Force, even the idea of Snoke having extended family...)

Even as he flipped to the next page, coughing again (how much dust could a book collect, honestly?), he squinted as he read the words in fading ink. 

_The words of this text from this hour henceforth are the testament of Aldric of Milara. _

So this strange figure had a name. Aldric. Interesting. 

_The galaxy is a war-torn, uncivilized place. Full of corruption and disorder. In a galaxy where weapons of mass destruction and cruelty are the norm, making the Jetii Order is naught but a necessity. _

It should have been a typo. “Jetii”. Yet the meaning was, somehow, clear. Jetii. Jedi. How did he know this? Maybe he was just trying to make sense of a strange misspelling. Ben sighed and read on.

_In the words of the Milaran language, the word “Jetii” means “savior”. Protector. It seems appropriate to call us such. Milara has been war-torn. Since I was a boy, I have prayed for a better future, though there were times I wondered if I would live to see it. If I would live that long. And yet, here I am. That, I suppose, is a victory in and of itself. _

_We live in times that are like a summer hurricane — wind-tossed, dangerous. I can only hope that my words provide a foundation for others to live by. A source of comfort, an anchor._

_-Emotions are the lifeblood of all beings; I’m certain that even droids, though they are more logical than their flesh and blood counterparts, have that fire burning inside them. Anger and hate cannot be cut out of us any more than love and gentleness, but we can temper them. Emotion, yet peace. Passion, yet serenity. More than aggression, we need logic. More than judgment, we need forgiveness. More than hate, we need compassion and gentleness. Sentient beings are unfortunately too quick to our worst impulses, but if they knew how much better they were capable of being, they would never lift a hand in anger again._

Ben swallowed. If this Aldric was Snoke...well, that was preposterous. After all, Snoke wasn’t capable of saying such things. If Snoke was writing this, he probably would have been all for destroying things. All for lifting a hand in anger. Maybe Aldric was just unfortunate enough to share the same species as Snoke. And the same awful dress sense.

_-To know is to be powerful. Even knowledge of the trivial may prove to be important. Of course, we are not perfect. That much is obvious. But the key is, truly, having our minds open and being willing to learn.   
_

”Ben?” Rey’s voice, startling him out of his thoughts. “We’ve landed.”

Ben slammed the text shut in that moment, getting up and heading towards the door to where Rey was waiting. She’d apparently changed into clothes that didn’t obviously scream “former scavenger from Jakku", regular Dantooine civilian clothes. She’d also concealed her lightsaber. Ben supposed that he should do the same. He supposed he didn’t have to do as much work, though. It wasn’t like he was particularly famous or remarkable. 

Luke, outside, had changed into a dark cloak. “Last time I dressed up like this,” he said, “I was a younger man. Much younger. Felt like nothing in the galaxy could stop me.”

”Doesn’t mean you can’t still feel like that,” Ben said. “You’re a good man.”

He could have sworn Luke actually looked a bit mournful at that.   
  
***

”More visitors?” The freckle-faced twenty-something year old woman who greeted them in that moment looked skeptical. “Don’t know many people who want to come around Dantooine anymore. I mean, aside from the old Rebel base that was around and the Enclave that was around...we’re mostly forgotten by the galaxy.” She shrugged. 

“Sorry to hear that,” Ben said. 

“Not your fault,” the woman said. “I mean, that’s how it is. The galaxy moves on.”

”Still,” Rey said. A pause. “We were thinking of investigating the old Jedi Enclave. If it’s still standing.”

”Yeah. Wait, are you lot salvagers?" The woman narrowed her eyes, a bit suspiciously. 

“Historians,” Luke said. “I’m a teacher. These two are my students.” He gestured towards Ben and Rey. 

“Well, that’s a relief,” said the woman. “They’ve just been getting irritating recently.”

”That’s too bad,” Ben said. 

The woman shrugged. “They want easy credits, what can I say?”

“You don’t know what’s going on with them,” Rey said. “They could be suffering themselves...”

Luke sighed. “You’ll have to forgive Kira,” he said. “She’s...too compassionate for her own good. In a way, you could say she and I swim in the same sea.”

The woman nodded, and Ben relaxed. Good thinking, Master, he couldn’t help but acknowledge. “I see,” the woman said. “If you want to explore the Enclave, you’ll have to talk with the Administrator. Name’s Thea Adare. Her family’s been looking after Dantooine for generations.”

Ben nodded. “Can you take us to her?”

“Yeah. Name’s Karanna, by the way, but you can call me Annie.”

Ben almost panicked coming up with a name. In the end, he said, “I’m Matt.” 

Luke spoke. “Biggs.”

”Nice to meet you all,” Annie said. “Just follow me. I know the way.”

Even walking towards Khoonda itself (that was what Annie called it), Ben could all but feel Rey’s amazement. She clearly hadn’t seen that much green before. Ben couldn’t imagine waiting on a desolate planet like Jakku for fourteen years before Ren decided to hunt for the map to Luke. 

“I can’t believe that hardly anyone’s come here,” Rey said. “It’s beautiful!”

Ben couldn’t disagree. At least walking along the planet’s surface, he couldn’t deny that in a way, he was walking among history. 

They walked inside Khoonda, past people talking, or playing dejarik, or anything like that. Meeting the Administrator, a middle-aged woman with hair in a strict bun, was a matter of telling her what their mission was — without giving away too much. 

The Administrator nodded. “Just be careful,” she said. “Take the speeders. Don’t wander too far, and watch out for the kinrath.”

Ben nodded. “Figured that,” he said. 

***

Even taking the speeder, getting on it, Ben couldn’t help but be struck by an image of getting in the cockpit of a different vehicle.

— _a man’s voice, comforting and low-ish, but not too low. “Now, kiddo, if your mother finds out about this, she’ll have my head, but I think it’s time I taught you about the Falcon.” _—

“Ben?” Rey said. 

Ben sighed. “Just a bit hot out,” he said. 

“Well, don’t forget your water,” Rey said. “Both of you.”

Ben took a sip of his just to appease her, before they rode the speeders towards the Enclave.

Well, the kinrath and the kath hounds seemed to be riled up just by the speeders passing through, and followed in hot pursuit. 


	7. Dead History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben, Luke and Rey reach the Enclave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The _Annihilator _seemed to glide through the dark spaces between the stars, even as Supreme Leader Snoke meditated. He could almost remember before he had taken the name Snoke, when he had just modified his species’ concept of meditation in order to calm his mind and put him more in touch with the Force. It had been almost like a separate lifetime ago.

Right now, he could feel a familiar presence in the Force. Too familiar, actually. Almost like Ben Solo’s when he had first found him.

Ben Solo still lived.

Snoke had been all too ready to simply abandon Kylo Ren after Dameron and Lintra shot him down in the Raddus battle. As far as Snoke knew, Ren was trying to prove himself (ever being an oversensitive man-infant when it came to criticism) and he failed miserably. Ren had been one of his last hopes, and he’d given Snoke nothing.

Now...

Now he lived. Abandoning Ren had been for the best. He had been a lost cause from the start. He didn’t know if Ren would actually prove to be a threat to him now. He doubted it. The man who had started off promising had proved himself only to be a child in a mask. 

His companions, though...

Even as Snoke felt Skywalker through the Force, he could feel something that he couldn’t say he felt very often, and that...that was fear. Skywalker’s nephew was a sniveling, indecisive disappointment. But Skywalker...

Avra reported to the throne room. Snoke appraised her, calmly. “I have a task for you.”

Avra nodded. 

“Skywalker lives,” Snoke said. 

Avra spoke. “He’s not important,” she said. “He’s simply an old man who — ”

“The seed of the Jedi Order lives!” Snoke bellowed. Avra seemed to flinch, if only a bit, and Snoke wondered if that was how she should be. Finally understanding the truth. 

Avra looked at him, a bit pale, seeming a bit shaken from him shouting. Snoke continued. “And as long as it does, hope lives, for the galaxy. Hope can be a dangerous thing for our enemies. Those that seek to sow disorder and corruption. Vice Admiral Holdo talks about how the downtrodden and oppressed are helped and assisted, but we know she seeks to preserve the cancer that is the Republic, does she not?”

Avra nodded. “It makes sense,” she said. “So Skywalker’s part of the cancer. So he needs to be...cut out before he does more damage.”

”Correct,” Snoke said. 

“I can head to his location...”

”Child,” Snoke said, “We’re heading to Dantooine. And we’ll be certain to obliterate Dantooine, remind the galaxy of Darth Malak of old.”

Avra was terribly still. Then, softly, “That’s excessive just to silence one man.”

”You don’t know Skywalker,” Snoke said. “Obliteration, annihilation...that is, truly, the best option. He is strong in the Force, still recovering, but stronger than anyone knows.”

Avra nodded, hesitantly. Snoke could feel her hesitation, her worry at bombing Dantooine. Still soft. She would learn to be hard, in time, like him. 

“General Mitaka is waiting for you,” Snoke said. “Tell him to open fire on Dantooine should we emerge from hyperspace.”

”I...will, Supreme Leader,” Avra said. Snoke could feel her hesitance, her doubt. She would not be like Ben Solo. He would grind the doubt and hesitance out of her if it was the last thing he did. 

***

The speeders swept over the fields of Dantooine, and Ben could already feel the restlessness of the kath hounds chasing them, the thrill they had in the chase. That was what dogs were like, Ben supposed. Seeing the chase as an opportunity to play, even among beings that had no time for their nonsense. 

They reached the Enclave, got off their speeders before turning around and igniting their lightsabers. Even as kinrath sprung at them, Ben, Rey and Luke sliced them down, and the kath hounds...

Even as the hounds leapt at them, ready to tear them apart, Ben knew he had to think quickly. 

— _a remnant of one of Luke’s teachings at the Academy; even as Dameron fired at him, he knew what to do, how to freeze the bolt and his attacker in place. The Force was in all things, the sentient flesh too malleable. He couldn’t help but feel at least a twinge of indignance that Dameron, of all people, had tried to shoot him_ —

It was when the fog cleared that Ben saw the hounds frozen in place. The expressions on their faces — it would almost be comical if it wasn’t so strange. Rey, meanwhile, looked astonished, like the idea of Ben actually saving their lives was somehow not even remotely plausible. 

“You’re welcome,” Ben said wryly. “Now let’s get in the Enclave and — ah, son of a murglak...”

One of the kinrath had stung his shoulder. It was bleeding. Gritting his teeth, he injected the contents of the antidote pack into his shoulder; it wasn’t much, but it at least kept him from collapsing. 

“You okay?” Rey said, and Ben couldn’t say why, exactly, that simple question made him want to start crying. 

“Yeah,” Ben said. 

His comlink crackled in that moment and Poe sounded more than a bit frantic. “Ben! I...felt something. Had to make sure you were okay.”

”Got stung by a kinrath, but I’m fine, thanks for asking,” Ben said. 

“Stang,” Poe said. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

It didn’t make any sense that the man who kept blowing hot and cold with him would suddenly call Ben “sweetheart”. He thought that he was probably hallucinating, but judging by the looks on Rey and Luke’s faces, they most likely heard it too. 

“I’ll live,” Ben said, almost anticlimactically. He wished he could say more. How did he react to Poe calling him “sweetheart”? 

“That’s good,” Poe said. “Where are you now?”

”I’m at the old Enclave,” Ben said. “With Luke and Rey. We’re just heading in.” Even as they walked in, Ben looked around, at the interiors, nothing really too fancy, but definitely beautiful in its simplicity. Even the now bare tree that stood there, with a plaque there that read DEDICATED TO ALL THOSE WHO LOST THEIR LIVES IN THE BOMBING OF DANTOOINE. 

“Right,” Poe said. “Could you describe it?”

”Well, there’s quite a few halls,” Ben said. “There’s a tree planted there in tribute to the victims of Malak bombing Dantooine. There’s a Council chamber, up ahead...” Even looking ahead, Ben could almost imagine Masters holding their meetings, talking about no doubt important things. “It’s beautiful. It’s like...it’s a shame that it seems so unused.”

”I can imagine,” Poe said. 

Luke led the way, of course, Ben leaving the comlink open to let Luke explain things. The chamber was where the Masters met. The old archives were where the texts were organized. Even trailing his hand over the spines of each text, Ben couldn’t help but feel like he was an active participant in retracing history. This, all of this, was part of his legacy. 

“I didn’t really tell you,” Luke said, “About the Old Republic Jedi. Stars, when I spoke to Rey about the matter of the Jedi’s failures...that Council chamber, not far from here, is where they nearly stripped the Jedi Exile Arawn Sinn of the Force because they thought she ‘might’ be a threat. There was no evidence for it, of course. She hadn’t committed a crime warranting being stripped of the Force. I believe they even called her a threat to living creatures and all who felt the Force — for no reason at all. Because they had no concept of trauma so terrible you detach yourself from the Force just to stay sane.”

Ben almost couldn’t speak for a moment. Rey spoke up. “How cruel,” she said. “And far from the Jedi way as well.” A beat. “Were they being manipulated?”

”No, they were just cowards,” Luke said. “Cowards lacking compassion and any understanding of the galaxy or even the Jedi itself.” He paused, almost as if something had struck him. Then, “The weaknesses lived inside them like parasites. It was ironic, then, that an old woman straddling the line between Jedi and Sith was the most heroic in that situation. Her name was Arren Kae, though to Arawn and many others, she was known as Kreia, or Darth Traya.”

”A heroic Sith Lord, really?” Rey said wryly. “Sounds like quite the fascinating tale.”

Luke smiled faintly. “Sometimes Dark Siders can be capable of compassion and heroism, and Light Siders capable of cruelty. Other beings don’t fit into neat little boxes where you can predict their actions. Sometimes they can surprise you, for good or for ill.”

Ben nodded. Suddenly, he couldn’t help but feel almost dizzy and sick, though to be fair, it could have been hearing Arawn’s story. How anyone could be so cruel, so lacking in compassion to another being...it must have simply been indifference. That was the only explanation. Indifference to pain. 

“Ben?” Poe said over the comlink. 

“Fine,” Ben said, even though he could all but feel his head swimming. 

— _waking up in medbay, dripping wet from being submerged in a bacta tank, and managing to force out, “What happened to me?”_

_General Organa looked almost guilty, like the answer wasn’t something she could bear. Then, “You were lucky to be alive. And without brain damage at that. You were rescued from a ship crash, just in time. Welcome to the Resistance, Ben.” —_

Why was he thinking about this now?

”I think I need fresh air,” he said, before stumbling out. The kath hounds hovering in the air frozen presented almost a comical image even as he stumbled upon them, Rey heading after him and calling his name. Ben forced air into his lungs, trying to keep himself steady —

— and it was then that he felt it. Was Dantooine supposed to be this hot? Except it didn’t feel like anything that was part of the climate, or the weather — somehow, it felt like it was coming from elsewhere...

A shadow passed over Ben and Rey both, and Ben looked up, feeling his blood turn to ice. The _Annihilator_. 

They had to get out of here, as quickly as they could. 


	8. Do Not Go Gentle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Battle of Dantooine begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Warning for bad stuff happening with eyes in one section. And some really graphic violence.

When Snoke ordered Dantooine bombed, he should have realized that Dantooine, with a history of being attacked (by Malak and later the Empire raiding it to find the Rebel Base Leia falsely told them about), would strike back. 

Administrator Adare was already ordering civilians onboard the shielded transports, evacuating as many people as she could, even as the Khoonda militia fired at the _Annihilator_. She knew that the Khoonda militia wasn’t going to take mere blasters against a ship like the _Annihilator. _When the Khoonda militia went to war, they damn well went to war. 

They fired. And watching from her post, watching the camera footage of militia firing away at the behemoth in the sky, Administrator Adare could take comfort in the fact that her soldiers would honor the planet she’d promised to protect to the very end.

***

”Avra, report.”

Avra didn’t miss how agitated Snoke sounded. “I think we decided to pick a fight with a nexu about her cubs,” she said, tersely. She had expected bombing Dantooine to be cruel. It had never struck her as being also stupid. 

“Indeed,” Snoke said, more evenly. “The female of the species can be more deadly than the male. It can be a sharp tool.”

”Shouldn’t we leave?”

”I want,” and here, Snoke grew agitated again, “Skywalker dead _now_. Prepare your shuttle, head to Dantooine. Kill anyone who dares hinder you.”

Avra nodded. “Aye, Supreme Leader.”

***

”What happened?” Administrator Adare’s second-in-command, Dillan, leader of the Khoonda militia, all but ran in. “They stopped firing on us. I don’t know why.” Sweat was glistening on her umber brown skin, her hair a mess. 

Administrator Adare sighed. “That, Dillan.”

Even as they watched the screen, the Administrator could hear Dillan’s breathing hitch. Armored figures, slaughtering wherever they could. “They’re attacking us on the ground,” she said. 

“Yes,” Administrator Adare said. “I know. The Knights of Ren are coming. We can’t hold against them forever. But we can buy some time for everyone to get to safety. And should I die...well, I’m not going quietly.” She smiled faintly. “Quietly was never what I was known for.”

”Me neither,” Dillan said. 

There was a bang as the door was all but busted down. The Knights of Ren had arrived, a red-headed, tattooed woman leading them. She didn’t waste any time in lifting Administrator Adare into the air, tearing through her memories — and it hurt, it hurt like hell. It wasn’t like Adare was even prepared for the attack on her mind. It was like her mind was being rent in two. Memories of learning her legacy as an Adare, what her ancestor Terena did in the Battle of Dantooine during the First Jedi Purge being all but drilled into her head...

”Adare?” the redheaded woman said. “Can’t say that I’m impressed. They’d despise you as much as I do if they saw you as a helpless, sickening damsel.”

”Don’t,” Adare gritted out, “You make assumptions about my family. You know nothing about them.”

”I think I know enough." A stabbing pain went through the Administrator’s head even as the redheaded woman just continued all but tearing her apart. “You were sheltering Skywalker, weren’t you? It’s a pity it has to be this way. You can just talk. Make it shorter for both of us.”

”You’re wasting everyone’s time, including yours,” Adare spat. “Now get off our stanging planet."

”We’ll see,” said the redheaded woman. 

The presence in her head all but burrowed through her skull. And just when Adare thought she couldn’t take it anymore —

_Bang_. 

Dillan had fired, and in place of a functioning right eye was a bloody hole. Administrator Adare fell to the floor in a crumpled heap, stumbled to her feet. Dillan stood, poised and steely, even though Adare could tell she regretted doing it. Dillan was always the sort who saw wounding and killing as only necessary if it was in defense of another. The mother nexu, members of the Khoonda militia called her. 

“You get away from her,” Dillan said. “I don’t want to do this, but I’ll take the other eye if you don’t kriff off. Lightsabers may be handy, but blasters? Blasters are magic.”

”Go ahead...and kriffing try.”

Fighting against the redheaded woman was one of those moments where, for a moment, Adare thought, they were getting the upper hand. At least before the woman reached out and squeezed. Adare felt herself being lifted into the air, along with Dillan, only this time, the pressure to her windpipe was constricting, agonizing. 

It was almost a relief when she heard a snap, and all went black. 

***

It was stumbling towards the shuttle that Ben could all but feel lives all but being snuffed out like stars, and his head — his head was all but being overloaded. 

“They set Khoonda on fire,” he said, even as he felt lives all but being incinerated. Too many of them, screaming for help as they were all but trapped in there. “We have to...” 

“Keep going.” Next to him, Annie looked close to weeping, but she continued running. “Save yourself. You can’t do any good if you’re dead.”

Ben nodded. How he wished, though, that he could do more.

***

Once Avra had gotten over the fact that one of these admittedly spirited women had shot out her eye, she couldn’t help but feel a stab of horror. She had practiced for this, but that was just practice; it was different when you were actually out in the field...

She stumbled, almost clumsily, towards her shuttle, away from the fire winding towards the sky — her eye was bleeding, at least the hole where it used to be was bleeding —

She held out long enough. Long enough to make it back to the Annihilator, to medbay, before collapsing there. 


	9. A More Foolish Man Than He

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes after the siege of Dantooine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Warning for the death of an unborn child and mentions of suicidal ideation.

The process of replacing the eye that Avra had lost to that awful woman wasn’t what Avra called comfortable, but it would do. It was odd, getting used to actually seeing with a cybernetic implant, but Avra supposed it would do. Even though it seemed to dart everywhere, looking every which way. Snoke was surprisingly good about her losing her right eye. Avra almost expected Snoke to be harsher. After all, Dark Siders were commonly harsh with their students, as far as she knew. 

“You weren’t bested by a novice,” Snoke said. “There is that, naturally.”

Avra knew it was a reference to his previous apprentice. Kylo Ren. How the Master of the Knights of Ren was bested by a novice...that was quite the mystery, actually. 

“I suppose,” Avra said. 

“You sent a message to the galaxy,” Snoke said. “Sheltering terrorists will not be treated with mercy. Mercy is for those who deserve it, and our enemies deserve no mercy.”

Avra sighed. “I suppose.” She paused. “I can still hear them screaming for help. Inside my head.”

”Killing gets easier, child. Even Kylo Ren learned that. Besides, my apprentice, they were complicit in hiding Skywalker. No one should cry for them, least of all you.” A beat. “It would be a waste of tears.”

”Will the screaming stop?” Avra said. _And the smoke...will my memories be free of that smell?_

_”_The screaming always exists. But knowing that we did what was necessary...it makes the screaming more tolerable. In my experience.”

Avra nodded. Somehow, that made sense. 

***

To Poe’s credit, even as they left Dantooine behind (the burning remnants of Dantooine, Ben thought with a sick feeling in his gut), he was at least trying his best to not be a jerk. Even as Ben all but curled numbly into a ball in his room, trying to regain his breath, he could all but feel more images assaulting his mind. Poe being forcibly led away by stormtroopers, pleading for something — something horrible without a doubt — not to happen. The screams of villagers being gunned down. Snoke, saying, “Mercy is for those who deserve it, and enemies of the First Order do not deserve mercy, do they?”

”Ben? I brought some...food from the mess hall.”

Ben groaned, uncurling from where he was all but bunched up on his bed to look at Poe, who had inexplicably brought comfort food. Yavin soup, bread, fruit, ice cream...like somehow Ben was sick instead of having a bad reaction to people being brutally murdered. 

Why was Poe even being kind to him if he hated him so much? (Then again, the man who hated him had also called him “sweetheart” after he got stung by a kinrath. Poe was weird, Ben could only assume. Or maybe he was kriffing with him because he thought it was funny?)

”Thanks,” Ben muttered. He wasn’t going to lie; even the smell of food made his stomach rumble. 

“Don’t mention it,” Poe said, casually. Too casually, for Ben’s own good. Ben couldn’t help but feel his heart ache, though he didn’t know why. 

Even as Ben spooned some stew into his mouth, he couldn’t help but feel like Poe was quietly wanting him. The way he looked at Ben, like he longed, somehow, to see more of it. 

Ben dabbed at his lips with a napkin. “What’s with the staring?”

”Sorry,” Poe said, hastily. 

It wasn’t like Poe to be this flustered, this embarrassed. “No worries,” Ben said. “I was just...y’know, wondering.”

Poe nodded. 

“I don’t know why you care about me so much but also hate me.”

Poe looked tired. Really tired. Then, “I don’t hate you.” Then, “You just remind me of things that hurt too much.”

”I don’t mean to,” Ben said weakly. 

“I know. It’s like I still remember even after he’s dead.”

”Ren,” Ben said. “I know.”

”I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt,” Poe said. “It would have been easier if it were a stranger. If we’d only met that one time. But I knew him. He was everything to me, everything I wanted, and he never knew. He didn’t know how beautiful he was, how funny, how smart and caring. It was like people were determined to make him feel like he wasn’t worth anything. And...”

Poe broke off, like somehow he was realizing when he was saying too much. Ben couldn’t help but watch him, wishing he could — would, actually — complete that sentence. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben said. “I’m sorry he hurt you.”

Poe sighed. “I’m not the first one that he did this to. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

Hesitantly, Ben reached out and touched Poe’s hand, smaller and slimmer than his own. It felt nice, at least, like Ben was right where he belonged. Poe seemed to look at Ben, almost like he was surprised at the touch — and also wanting more.

”Tell me more about him,” Ben said.

Poe sighed. “He was lonely. Funny. Brave. He had so many problems, but it didn’t stop him from wanting to be a Jedi. To be the best he could be. We were friends when we were younger, but then we both got older and...I loved him.”

Ben could have sworn Poe looked away in that moment, eyes wet. Kriff, but Ben wished he could soothe Poe. Take his pain away. Like his heart was splintered like transparisteel, and Ben already longed to mend it. Take every jagged edge and soothe it.

”He must have been one hell of a guy,” Ben said.

Poe nodded. 

“But he didn’t know what he was missing.” Ben said. “Really.” A beat. “I may have had some difficulties with you, but you are a good man.”

Poe’s face — he looked almost like he wanted to kiss Ben in that moment. Ben wondered, in that moment, if he would really complain if Poe did. 

Poe didn’t kiss him. Ben wondered why that suddenly seemed like something that he wanted to happen. Stars, he needed to get his stuff together. Kissing Poe...well, it wouldn’t be unpleasant, but it probably wouldn’t be appropriate. Besides, he was what, thirty? He wasn’t thirteen. Why did he feel like some teenager dropped into a thirty-year-old body, like that body-switching holo Tallie had insisted he see because it was “so stupid it’s funny”?

Their moment, of staring at the other’s lips, lasted so long that Ben couldn’t help but wish they’d go through with it. 

Then Poe said, “You should eat. Eating’s good for you.” 

Ben couldn’t disagree with that. 

***

Ben really hoped that Poe didn’t catch even a glimpse of his erotic dreams about Poe kissing him. Kisses and touches that turned into more, hands and mouths that seemed to be everywhere. They mingled with odd visions of Poe on his knees in front of numerous villagers, though it was like Ben could swear that even arousal got tangled up in _that_. 

What was wrong with him? No normal being had arousal and longing tangled up with someone being forced to kneel. Kriffing hell, he needed a shower. A long one. And probably not to look in the mirror for a while. 

_It’s just a bad dream_. And yet, why that? Maybe there wasn’t any logic to it, any more than having dreams about Hutts chasing you with lightsabers. Did Jedi ever have “normal” nightmares? What was normal, anyway?

It felt like scrubbing at himself in the shower wasn’t helping matters. It didn’t alleviate that dirty feeling. Not only was his memory borked, but so was his sexuality? 

He dressed before heading to the mess hall and finding Tallie at their usual table. Tallie raised an eyebrow. “You look like a drowned cannok,” she said. 

“Thank you,” Ben said sarcastically. Across from him, Poe was still watching him. Alternating between talking with his squadmates and looking at Ben almost like he longed for him. 

Ben wished that things would stop existing in this strange sort of zone of uncertainty. That they could use their adult voices — after all, they were adults, weren’t they? Not science experiments gone horribly wrong?

Poe beckoned towards him and Tallie. Ben supposed he would be a fool to say “no”. He sat down, watching Rose Tico sitting and laughing with Jannah, watched Finn listening intently to Rey recount what happened to her, Luke and Ben. Watched Finn’s fingers rest over Rey’s, and remembered when, briefly, he had touched Poe. Now he sat, picking at his food, wishing he could say something, anything at all. 

“Ben?” Poe’s voice. “You okay?”

Ben turned to Poe, smiled thinly. He wished he didn’t all but feel like he was falling into his eyes. “Fine as anything.”

He wished he could believe it. 

***

Reading through the Jedi texts some more at least shed some light on the situation. Aldric talked more about his vision of the Jedi Order, how they would bring peace to a galaxy at war, ravaged by things like famine and disease. It all sounded wonderful, Ben thought. How it had devolved into an Order ready to punish others for being traumatized by war was beyond him. Had others misunderstood what Aldric wanted so thoroughly?

It was also there that Aldric met the Milaran Riina. And judging from the way Aldric wrote about her, it was clear that he was deeply in love with Riina — even though he insisted that he loved her as he loved all members of his Jedi Order. _For they are dedicated, beautiful beings, burning brighter than the most radiant of meteor showers — and the galaxy could use more of them. I would move ground and sky if it meant they lived happy lives._

Ben knew, of course, that there were even flaws in paradise. There was a Padawan named Xendor, who was brash and ill-tempered, and his friend Arden. The two were inseparable, talented, but also troubled. What started off as Aldric recounting the escapades they’d get into in what Ben could only assume was an “oh, you” sort of way became increasingly worried.

_Xendor is no monster. I know that much. I know that he believes in saving the galaxy with the same love we all share. But I fear that his bringing darker teachings into the Order could do more harm than good. Other Masters believe there is something off about him. Not to mention Arden — they swim in the same sea. Brilliant but troubled. Cast away from his people for his brilliance, in Xendor’s case, battling her own mental gremlins, in Arden’s case. But nonetheless, I love them and, had I the ability to do so, I would cast away their demons in an instant. _

Ben swallowed. He had a feeling what would happen to Xendor and Arden. Had Snoke followed them? Had Snoke been one of the Jedi that defected? It was hard picturing Snoke, of all beings, as a Jedi.

He kept reading. Somehow, he needed to see how the story ended. Somehow, he needed to understand.

_Xendor had an argument with one of the Masters. Serra, to be more precise. I had to step in as mediator — just because I love this young man like my own offspring doesn’t mean that he’s immune from infuriating me! I fear I treated him too harshly, naturally — I tried to explain to him that a moment of irritation doesn’t make him any less welcome in the Order. Xendor is brash and fiery, but his heart is pure. _

_He still seems restless, of course. I wish there was something I could do, but it’s as if something is eroding him from the inside, and I am running to him before he is devoured._

Ben knew what he was talking about. The Dark Side. Xendor had been struggling with it, not because he was a bad person. If anything, Ben thought, it seemed that one trait of Dark Siders, at least some, was having the sort of love where you’d move the stars themselves for someone, even those you barely knew. Love for a galaxy gone horribly wrong. Love for a person gone horribly wrong. Ben wondered if the same script played out again and again over the years, the terrible, devastating things that Force users did because they loved, whether it was an individual person or the galaxy, too much.

He would have almost been more comfortable with Dark Siders doing things for the sake of evil. He didn’t know what to do with the idea of love.

“Getting a little comfy in here?” Poe’s voice, startling Ben out of his reading for the moment. He almost slammed the text shut, wincing even as his fingers caught in it.

”I didn’t feel you come in,” Ben said, a bit weakly. 

“Sorry. Just wanted to say that we’re on our way to Crait. Good idea as any, actually.” Poe put his hands in his pockets. “You don’t mind, do you?”

”No.” 

Even as Ben opened the text back up to its original page, he said, “I know it sounds dry. It really isn’t.”

”That’s...good. I guess.” Poe sighed as he spoke. “Who the kriff is Xendor? And Arden?”

”Two of...the recorder’s students.” Ben swallowed. “His name’s Aldric...and he looks a lot like Snoke, but I don’t think he’s Snoke. I mean, Snoke’s an evil bastard...”

”Seriously?”

Keeping his spot, Ben flipped back to the beginning. Poe froze. Then, “Stars, I hope he’s like Snoke’s good twin or something. They definitely have the same awful fashion sense.”

”You watch too much Holonet,” Ben said, and for a moment, he was surprised at how light he sounded around Poe. 

Poe shrugged. “Maybe. Is his name, like, Ekons or something? Snooke?”

”It’s Aldric.”

”Okay, that’s better.” Poe sighed as he spoke. “This text isn’t big enough for both of us to read, so you’ll have to recap for me.”

After a quick recap, they settled in as Ben read along. Apparently, Aldric finally realized that his feelings for Riina were more than just him having an affinity for those in his Order, and were actually romantic love. (“To love another is to be vulnerable,” Aldric wrote. “Compassion I can feel, but romantic love is different.”) Riina reciprocated, naturally.

_My beloved. Every member of the Jedi Order is brilliant, beautiful, shining brighter than a sun, but Riina...a life where her light isn’t somehow shining in my life is almost unthinkable. She is radiant, rare, and telling her the truth will require eloquence, but I cannot remain in the shadows saying nothing. Saying that I love her isn’t specific enough, but Basic and Milaran alike can’t adequately capture feelings that seem to be rarer than others believe.   
_

Ben kept reading. Of course, Aldric and Riina got together. Even reading Aldric’s recollections of his time with her, Ben couldn’t help but blink. Blink, like he was feeling old memories starting to surface. Memories that felt all too sharp. 

And meanwhile, Xendor and Arden were starting to develop in their relationship, going from close friends to devoted lovers. Aldric’s worry for them was all too clear. “Complicated with jagged edges”, that was how he described his fear for them both, his desire for them to be happy. 

Even turning the page, Ben couldn’t help but feel like things were about to go horribly wrong. Tip over the edge. Even as he read more about Riina’s pregnancy, the increasing restlessness of Xendor, Ben had a sort of clenching in his chest that suggested that something was going to go wrong. Like something would inevitably explode...

And then the last two entries. Aldric’s handwriting getting more frantic. More cramped. It was like his agitation was all but leaking onto the page. 

_Xendor has fallen. It’s my fault. I wasn’t enough, for him, for Arden, although I wanted to be more than anything. I have to go after them both, talk them down before they destroy everything in their path, including themselves. I need to find them. _

_I left Serra in charge of the Academy. It is the most I could do. I hope I can find them both, and tell them...tell them that they are not alone, and need not raise a hand in rage again._

_***_

_Riina is dead. So is her child — our child. She followed me — she thought she could save Arden and Xendor too, and one of their minions butchered her. _

_I have no idea who I want dead most of all. Arden and Xendor, their foolish footsoldier who actually murdered my beloved, or myself. (In the case of myself, isn’t it logical? After all, I would have been a father. Every father with a heart would do anything for their children) It is as if all color has gone out of the galaxy, as if a part of me has perished.   
_

_Perhaps it has, and something must be done. Even calling on the teachings of the Jedi, my teachings — they seem to ring hollow now. Like they were made by a more foolish man than I. _

_Aldric is dead. He was murdered along with Riina, and in death, they exist together. Snoke lives. And I will make the galaxy pay for what it took from me._

Ben could have sworn he nearly fell off the bed in shock.

”Snoke.” Poe exhaled in shock. “They...good as made him.”

Ben swallowed. They had. Somehow, Aldric and Snoke were one and the same and Ben could only feel a sort of horror that Snoke had not been born, but made.


	10. Chasing Meaning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Ben tell Leia and Luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Warning for one section where rape/non-con is worried about. Nothing happens, but it’s worried about.

“So what the kriff do we do now?”

The two men sat on the bed. If not for the situation, Ben would almost appreciate how close they really were. How Poe’s body was close to his own.

“I don’t know,” Poe said. “I mean, General Organa may want to know, but I don’t know if it’s her division. Force Sensitive stuff.” He sighed. “If we know Snoke’s identity...”

”You think that knowing Snoke’s identity would make even a bit of difference?”

”It’ll give us some degree of the upper hand. Some degree.”

Ben wondered, idly, if that meant redeeming Snoke somehow. Even that image...redeeming people was what Jedi did, but he had a feeling Snoke would reject any attempts at helping him. 

Redeeming a footsoldier would be a case of “okay, no problem”. Redeeming Snoke...

Ben wondered, if he hadn’t read what pushed Snoke so far, if he would even be considering something like that. 

***

Leia looked at them, intently, even as Ben explained what exactly happened to Snoke — to Aldric. Even acknowledging that the vicious Supreme Leader and the founder of the Jedi Order were one and the same, Ben almost couldn’t believe what he was saying. Leia listened, stiffening at the end when Ben explained how Snoke’s pregnant wife had been murdered by one of Xendor and Arden’s followers. 

“He was a Jedi...the founder of the Jedi Order...” Leia exhaled softly. “I suppose that explains a lot. When I...sensed him watching Kylo Ren, Dark was really just a protective layer. I could feel so much hate and anger, a desire to hurt...like it was better to be harming others than to be harmed again. He didn’t just want Kylo as an apprentice, he wanted him as a replacement for the child he lost.” Leia sighed. “Darkness is just a word, Ben. Under the skin, under the scars, it’s simple pain.”

Ben could all but feel a million thoughts all but racing through his head. Then, “One of the entries...he mentioned that if he had a son, he would name him ‘Kylo’.” He could already feel his blood freezing over. Like the ice on Hoth. “Milaran for ‘victor’. So when he...took whoever Kylo was...” He bit his lip. “Did he give Kylo that name?”

”I heard stories,” Leia said. “That the Knights chose their names. I don’t know if Kylo chose it as a further way of distancing himself from where he came from, or if Snoke named him thus. Replacing the child that was murdered.” She sighed, her face hardening. “As the Jedi he was, I grieve for him. As the Supreme Leader, he has committed crimes I cannot forgive. Balancing both aspects is vital. The seemingly endless mourning he has may be a facet of his character, but it...it’s not like a Jedi mind trick. It’s not like a trick of the Force. It doesn’t make the crimes he committed go away. If Aldric of Milara had chosen a different path, a path that didn’t rely on masterminding atrocity after atrocity, would we be here?”

Ben nodded. He could not disagree. He could mourn for the good man Snoke had been. It didn’t mean they didn’t still have to fight him. 

“Did he...take something from you too?” he said. He wouldn’t be surprised if Snoke had. 

Leia sighed. “Someone I loved, yet took for granted. Treated too harshly. Sometimes I wonder if I good as gave that innocent child to Snoke.”

”It wasn’t your fault,” Ben said hastily. 

Leia sighed. “Kind of you to say, Ben. But when I could have protected him, I failed to act.” She smiled ruefully. “I strangled Jabba the Hutt no problem yet was useless with an endangered child. I felt Snoke watching Kylo, and yet there were times...times when I thought I just had a vivid imagination. I think I wanted to believe so desperately the Emperor was gone. That we didn’t fight for nothing.” She grew more serious. “I may be determined, Ben, but I’m not a goddess. I almost wish I was.”

Ben swallowed. “He could have chosen differently,” he said. “It’s not like Snoke was mind-controlling him into doing his bidding.”

”Perhaps not,” Leia said. “Yet I wonder where we’d be if I’d been fiercer. Even nexus protect their cubs.”

Cubs. A curious word choice. Leia could have been speaking in metaphor. Could have. It was possible. And yet even as Leia briefly touched upon them heading for Crait, Ben couldn’t help but wonder if Leia was hiding something. 

How many secrets were onboard? 

***

”I have to agree with Leia.”

Even as Luke surveyed Ben, Ben could feel the former Master’s sadness, the strange combination of resignation and pity. 

Luke continued. “There were times when I felt compassion for who Aldric had been. There were also times when I hated him for all he’d done.” He sighed. “It’s still something that the same man who destroyed so many lives shaped the Jedi Order. The Jedi had good intentions. Being the guardians of peace and justice. It was how they executed certain things where they went wrong.”

”Luke,” Rey said wryly, “I never thought you’d say something nice about the Order.”

Luke didn’t laugh. “Even before Kylo destroyed the Temple, I had my doubts. I searched the texts but nothing made sense. I was chasing some sort of meaning. Some sort of sense.”

”Maybe the more we learn, the more we find,” Ben said. 

“I hope,” Luke said, “You’re right.” 

***

— _the force of his body being all but slammed across the room. It was like he had been lifted effortlessly into the air, surrounded by cold armor, and slammed down. And above him, Snoke, snarling in a combination of rage and pain. “Don’t mention their names, Force damn you, don’t you dare mention their names...”_ —

Ben woke up in that moment, and he could all but feel his heart pounding even as he looked frantically around his room. His room. Even taking it in, he wondered if he was ever going to not wake up in a cold sweat looking around his room, making sure that he was indeed in his room and not all but trapped in that strange sort of prison. 

He took a deep breath, trying to concentrate on meditating. Breathe in, breathe out, focus on the Force. Feel the rumble of hyperspace around the Raddus, the hum of the hyperdrive. And somehow, the hum of the hyperdrive was calming, at least. It was enough to put his mind, somewhat, at ease...

”_Hey, kiddo, you really passed out there._” _The same fatherly sort of low-ish voice. “Hyperspace make you sleepy?”_

_”Yeah.” Somehow, his voice sounded strange. Childlike, sleepy. “We at Bespin?”_

_”Getting close.” A hand ruffled his hair. “Ready to see Uncle Lando?”_

_  
”Yeah.”_

Another one of Kylo’s memories, Ben realized even as he jolted back to himself. As he realized where he was — in his own bed, on the _Raddus_, where he belonged. That was it. He sighed. So, Kylo had been a...nephew of Lando’s. Blood relative or informal, Ben didn’t know. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t even know what Kylo looked like under the mask. Did Kylo ever take off that mask? Did he even sleep in it? The thought was almost enough to make Ben laugh, thinking of Kylo trying to get to bed in all that uncomfortable armor. 

At least he found some degree of humor in all this. Ben wished he had his own memories right now — not Kylo’s memories. Kylo must have been a fool — but if Snoke was watching him, manipulating him all along, to the point Kylo couldn’t tell the difference between what was truth and what was a lie...

Ben supposed he could almost pity the bastard. Almost. It wasn’t a one-way ticket out of taking responsibility for his cruelties, but at the same time, it was a facet. Yeah. That was it. A facet. 

Ben didn’t know if he wanted to sleep alone. He knew that he didn’t want to stay all but trapped in his room, trapped in memories that weren’t his. It wasn’t like he was _alone_ alone; he had Poe, but —

Poe. Of course. 

He swung his legs off the bed, and walked down the hall, his bare feet ghosting across the cold tiles. He could all but hear the thoughts of the others, the impressions — Tallie was having a very...explicit dream about Jessika Pava, which Ben had to admit; Jess was pretty, but he wasn’t sure he liked her like that. It didn’t stop him from feeling what Tallie was feeling, both arousal and guilt considering Paige was dead and Jess likely still in mourning. General Organa was dreaming about her dead husband — the man Kylo had killed, Ben realized with a jolt. Poe was having a nightmare about watching an X-wing blow up. And so on. 

It was Poe’s dream that had Ben reaching across the Bond and searching for him. He was...just across from Ben’s room, actually, Ben realized. He ran towards Poe’s room, towards the door — 

— only to stumble back when he felt like he was all but being blasted with heat. With anger. _Get the kriff out of my head!_

Ben couldn’t help but feel a sting of indignance. Didn’t Poe realize that Ben was trying to help him? Would he have preferred Ben just leave him when he was no doubt thrashing around in bed having nightmares about something that wasn’t his fault?

Still, he told himself, Poe was undoubtedly justified in his action. Considering what Kylo had done to him, it was a miracle that Poe could get out of bed every morning. 

Cautiously, he approached the door, knocked on it. After what seemed like a while, Poe opened it, revealing him looking...really, worse for wear. 

“Did you even think before you decided to invade my mind like that?” Poe snapped. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben said. “I couldn’t find you for a moment.”

Poe’s face seemed to fluctuate between different expressions, including bewilderment, before settling down on bewilderment as a final decision. “You...know that my room isn’t far from yours, right?”

”It...didn’t occur to me. You were having a nightmare. I could feel it.”

Poe looked stiff for a moment. Then, “Did you?”

Ben nodded. “That ship...”

”It’s none of your business. It’s not like...” Poe paused, almost like he was trying to think of a good comeback. 

Ben sighed. “When will you stop fighting me?”

”I...don’t know.” Poe looked tired for a moment. “It could last a week. It could last more. I just don’t know. I...”

He looked almost lost, in that moment. 

“Maybe we could talk...inside?” Poe said. “I mean, I don’t want to make a scene or anything.”

Kylo nodded. He entered the room, where Poe closed the door behind him. BB-8, Poe’s droid, was currently in low power mode, which explained why the droid hadn’t made a racket in regards to Poe’s nightmares. 

“I didn’t tell you about Paige. Jess’ girlfriend. I mean...” Poe sighed as he spoke. “It was my fault. All my fault. I didn’t follow General Organa’s orders. I didn’t retreat when she told me so. I wanted to take down a dreadnaught because...”

He looked away. He looked honest to stars wracked with guilt. Ben furrowed his brow. “You did battle,” he said. “You’re not a bad person.”

”The bombing squad was taken out except for Paige. Then...” Poe sighed. “I swear I woke up and I could hear the General telling me to disengage. I was such a moron...”

”Why did you do it?” Ben said. 

“I was familiar with dreadnaughts. How they could kill fleets. It wasn’t like they were...harmless. But if I listened...if I listened, maybe the bomber squad wouldn’t be dead...”

Poe’s voice cracked. And Ben could all but hear Poe’s thoughts in his mind. Leaking in. _My fault, all my fault..._

Hesitantly, Ben said, “You did battle. You took out a dangerous ship, and the bombers knew that they weren’t coming back. They died knowing they did the right thing. That they were taking out a fascist regime.” A beat. “Canderous Ordo once said people die in war. It’s brutal, but it’s accurate.”

Poe nodded. He looked like he was struggling to accept that Paige’s death wasn’t his fault. Ben already wished he could do anything to soothe him. To hold his hand, to hold him, anything like that. 

“Paige Tico died a hero,” Ben said. “I don’t know if she’s watching from the Force. I don’t know where she is now. But she died a hero. I doubt she’d want you to hate yourself. And neither would I.”

Poe nodded. He looked like he was close to tears. Stars, Ben wished that he could get closer, comfort him. 

“Thanks,” Poe said, softly. Then, “I heard you too.” He paused, seeming like he longed to voice what was happening to Ben. Like he was holding back. What could Poe have to hide that was so awful?

”Can I stay with you?” Ben said. 

After a while, Poe nodded. 

Unfortunately for them, there was only one bed. Like something in one of those cheesy online stories that Tallie pretended she didn’t secretly enjoy. Even adjusting in a comfortable position, Ben said, “Why don’t they have additional beds? For, like, emergencies? I mean...”

”Probably didn’t think of it,” Poe said. 

“Not even like bunk-beds?” Ben said. 

Poe sighed. “Go to sleep, Ben. You’re safe with me.”

Ben smiled a bit despite himself. “I know.”

***

Poe watched even as Ben slipped into sleep. Even as Ben breathed steadily, Poe mused that in another galaxy, a galaxy without Snoke becoming who he was, they could have been happy. Poe watching Ben breathe. He ought to confess how he felt, but he doubted that “I hate and love you with all my heart” or anything like that would actually work. He didn’t want to take advantage of Ben. Same reason he couldn’t just hold Ben right now, though he yearned for it — he feared that he could engulf Ben if he held him too long. And having a relationship with Ben...would sex be tantamount to rape? Considering Ben didn’t remember anything? Considering that he was lying to him because he felt obligated to be loyal to Leia? Because he was so kriffing terrified of seeing Ben crumble at the realization that he was Kylo, the author of so many atrocities? Stars, Poe watched him, and was struck by a feeling like he couldn’t breathe. He hated Kylo, loved Ben Solo, was growing to love Ben Thracin. Ben had torn him apart, Ben completed him. He couldn’t tell Ben. Couldn’t tell him the truth that seemed to be struggling for release. 

Poe settled on his pillow. He had to focus on the mission. Come to terms with the fact that Ben had never been his. Wasn’t his. And likely never would be. 


	11. Sting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Poe have their talks with Leia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

_The boy ran. Ran down the hill as quickly as he could, away from the Academy on Yavin IV even as his uncle called for him to get back there as quickly as he could. He should have obeyed his uncle. Shouldn’t have run away from everyone. But one of the boys at the Academy had called Daddy a common thief. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t like Daddy could help where he came from. Couldn’t help but come from Corellia, where hardly anyone was treated fairly. It wasn’t fair. Wasn’t —_

_He stumbled on the way towards the bottom, and when he recovered, heart beating frantically from the shock, he saw that his knee was skinned and bleeding. He started crying. He couldn’t help it. His knee was bleeding, he missed Mommy and Daddy, he was alone, he was tired, he hated the boy who’d mocked Daddy, he was scared of his uncle being mad at him..._

_”You okay?” A man’s voice. Little Kylo (Ben could only assume) looked up to see a young man with a kind face and a black goatee (though the goatee was funny, he thought. He looked like a Holonet villain, even though his face was gentle and kind), accompanied by a young male child with curly black hair — little Kylo could only assume that the child was not much older than he was.   
_

_He sniffled. “Fine,” he said.   
_

_“That knee of yours looks pretty badly banged up. I’m Kes, by the way,” the man said. “Kes Dameron. This is my son, Poe.”_

_Poe stepped forward in that moment. “What happened?” he said.   
_

_“I...fell...” _

_Little Kylo was used to people at the Academy being hostile with him. Used to it. But Kes and Poe didn’t feel hostile. They felt kind. Welcoming. He almost wanted to tell them more, but somehow, he was afraid. Afraid they’d think of him as spoiled, even though he desperately didn’t want to be.   
_

_“Here,” Kes said. He took out a packet and squeezed a glob of it on little Kylo’s skinned knee. “Fair warning, this’ll sting, but it’s necessary. Things have to sting a little to get better.”_

_Little Kylo sniffled. He hated the stingy stuff, but Mommy and Daddy had talked him soothingly through the process, and he didn’t mind Poe’s hand lacing between his while Kes treated his knee. It felt nice, comforting.   
_

_“Poe’s gotten into scrapes before,” Kes said. “This is just another day on Yavin, I guess.”_

_Little Kylo giggled, a bit watery as he did so. Kes smiled at him, and Kylo, somehow, felt like this oddly kind father-son pair were good as home.   
_

It was odd, having some niceness in one of Kylo’s bad memories. It struck Ben, of course, that he never knew Kylo’s name before he had chosen the name Kylo. He hadn’t been named “Kylo” from the start, of course. That was obvious. 

So that was Kylo’s first meeting with Poe. As younglings. They’d been childhood friends. How Kylo could torture his own childhood friend...would another memory answer it? Ben didn’t know. Having these memories that didn’t belong to him...

If only he had his own memories. 

***

Waking up next to Poe felt almost natural, cozy, Ben couldn’t help but think. Even though they were cramped together, even though Ben felt like he was taking up most of the bed. He could feel how close Poe was to him, his warmth, both physically and over the Bond. Which was why it hurt to feel him in pain. Feeling the sort of anguish that Poe shouldn’t have to carry...

He shifted around in bed to actually face Poe proper, and Poe’s eyes seemed almost hollow in that moment. Like Paige was still weighing on him...or something else. It made Ben want to all but soothe those hurts. Sharp edges that needed to be filed down. And yet when he tried to ask what was wrong, Poe forced a smile and said he was fine. 

“You’re in pain,” Ben said. “I can feel it. You don’t have any idea how much I want to help you.”

”I know.” Poe took a deep breath. “You help me by just...doing what you’re doing. That’s enough.”

”Right.” Ben almost wanted to ask if his slip of the tongue on Dantooine had meant anything. It was probably a good idea not to ask, though. A damn good idea. 

They got up. Poe dressed in the fresher. Ben couldn’t say that he would see anything that he didn’t have. Considering, though, that Poe was someone he was attracted to...he had a feeling that he’d probably find the whole situation a bit precarious. 

Poe emerged from the fresher, dressed in his usual shirt, jacket and pants ensemble. It wasn’t anything that Ben hadn’t seen before, but stars...he felt almost shy even looking at Poe. Beautiful, kind, guilt-ridden, witty Poe, whose broken wings Ben desperately wanted to mend.

Ben dressed in the fresher after, almost bumping his head in the process. But he did it, and even emerging, he could have sworn that Poe was all but looking at Ben appreciatively. Then his look faded, seeming to become more serious. “I’ll meet up with you in the mess hall, Ben. Promise. Just have to take care of things.”

”I got it,” Ben said. He supposed, considering that there was apparently no such thing as luck, that the phrase “good luck” was out of the question. 

***

”You wanted to see me, Poe?”

Leia looked at Poe with such gentleness and compassion that Poe felt especially vulnerable under her gaze. 

Poe nodded. “I was wondering...whether to tell Ben the truth. I mean, he’s getting more memories back. We’re going to have to tell him as much of the truth as he can handle because you know as well as I do that lying isn’t my forte...”

Leia paused. Then, “Can he handle the truth, Poe? And how do you know that he won’t...return to Snoke’s side once he learns who he really is?”

Poe had to pause. Then, “He’s said that he’s not interested in joining the First Order.”

”Well. Good. I suppose we have to make sure it stays that way.” Leia sighed. “I don’t like this any more than you do, Poe, but telling him the truth is...not an easy thing.”

”So you’re just going to do what you did with his heritage?” Poe said. “Bury it, make sure it doesn’t exist?” He could remember comforting a then-teenage Ben, listening to Ben sob in his arms and wishing he could do anything to make sure he wasn’t hurting anymore. Even in his early twenties, he simply loved Ben too much to see him hurting. 

Leia looked pained. Then, “It’s not like there is a right way to tell him the truth.”

Poe supposed. 

Leia spoke again. “It’s not just the fact you’re bad at lying, is it? You’re in love with Ben.” A beat. “Don’t act so surprised, Commander. I can feel it. You’re acting so unpredictably because you’re in love.”

”Yeah.” Poe already couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. In a way, she was right. Even when he’d been angry with Ben, there had been shades of I-hate-that-I-love-you-so-much in there. A sort of love that Ben probably wouldn’t even return. “And he doesn’t remember me.”

”I know it hurts,” Leia said. “There are times I wish he would remember me as well.”

Poe bit his lip. He hadn’t considered how Leia was feeling. Now he wondered if shooting Kylo down...well, it wasn’t like he had a choice; Poe shuddered to think of how he possibly could have killed Leia if Poe hadn’t gotten in his X-wing in time. And yet...

Poe had to head to breakfast, just then. Even sitting down with Jess, who seemed to be struggling with the courage to ask Tallie on a dinner date, Poe couldn’t help but wish, just wish, that Ben Solo was alive again. That Ben recognized him, and was well. He would give everything for things to be okay again, healed. Ben Thracin was a good man. Ben Solo, though...Ben had been glorious and vibrant and determined and Poe had longed for him for no doubt too long. 

He could tell Ben little bits and pieces of the truth. That...that he could do. 

***

Telling General Organa about his latest memories, Ben couldn’t help, at least, but feel like he wasn’t getting the full truth. Like there was twist after twist lurking around each corner. “You could have told me,” Ben said, “That Kylo was Han Solo’s son. And yours.”

Leia looked more than slightly pained. “It’s not...something that I like to think about too much,” she said. “At least with the knowledge that my own son killed my husband.”

Ben nodded. He couldn’t even imagine what Leia was going through. If it were a stranger, maybe it would be easier for her to hate, but a family member that she’d nurses and cared for...that was different. “Why did he do it?”

Leia sighed. “I don’t know. I’d love an answer from him, but I doubt he’s around to give his side of the story. I don’t hate him, for what it’s worth. My son...he was a sweet child, once. I can only assume that he was so manipulated and played that...” Leia trailed off. She sounded, Ben thought, like her stoic façade was about to crack. 

“It’s amazing that you don’t hate him,” Ben said. 

“Parents, at least, most parents, love their children. Even with the evil they do. I doubt it’s something we can help.” Leia sighed. “And he was good, once. He loved calligraphy and art, loved his father dearly too. I remember that he used to say he’d be a pilot one day like his father. And Han...Han loved him. Even when I felt his death on D’Qar, I knew that Han loved him. His last thought was how much, in the end, he loved our son.” Leia swallowed. “As I still do. Hating him after all he’s done is...hard...because you know that there is a little boy with a skinned knee living there somewhere.”

It would have been easier if Kylo had been described as some sort of evil creature torturing animals for fun. “And Poe?”

”He thought Poe was practically an angel. He had...all these wonderful things to say about him.” Leia smiled faintly. “Han and I occasionally imagined them settling down on Yavin as a married couple as they got older but it never came to pass.” Her smile faded as she spoke. “It wouldn’t have mattered if they had children or not. As long as they loved each other, and were happy.”

Ben nodded. “I’m sorry this happened,” he said. “I’m sorry for everything.”

Leia smiled, a bit sadly. “Thank you, Ben.”

***

When they did touch down on Crait, Ben couldn’t help but notice how sparse it looked, how desolate. He was almost tempted to grab his coat, only for Poe to laugh, gently (in a way that Ben didn’t mind at all. At least Poe was laughing) and say, “It’s a salt planet. You don’t have to worry about being cold.”

Ben nodded. Even stepping off the Raddus, Ben couldn’t help but notice how empty it felt. General Organa no doubt wanted something out of the way — but that being said, Ben couldn’t help but wonder why it had to feel uneasy somehow. Maybe one day they’d go to Manaan or Naboo or Ithor or...anywhere more pleasant. It seemed for now they were stuck there. And Ben supposed he couldn’t complain. You had to think of more important things when you were on the run from the First Order. 

Poe placed a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not much,” he said, “But it’s a place to stay. I mean...maybe we’ll all get used to it as some sort of base.”

Ben shrugged. “Probably.”


	12. Caedus Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A vision leads Ben and co. out on a journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Yes, Avra’s Knight of Ren name comes from the Legendsverse.

Adjusting to training on Crait was different. Ben didn’t know how to feel about being all but trapped in an underground cave-like thing, but Luke said that there was much to be learned here. 

“There’s much to be learned,” Luke said, “Of Rebel history, of what it was like back when the Emperor ruled. Some people think that Palpatine led us to glory. They’re mistaken, of course.”

Ben nodded. There was no denying that, not really. He was certain that right now, saying that the Empire had done terrible things was far, far from controversial. 

“How did Palpatine take over?” Ben said. “No one could have been so stupid as to let someone that obviously evil rule the galaxy.”

Luke sighed. “Initially, I thought it was the Jedi’s fault that Sidious — that Palpatine rose to power. The more information I find, the more it’s wrong. Blaming a group for being wiped out by the Sith is unfair, and I don’t have an excuse that will justify it.” He smiled faintly. “I’m not perfect, Ben. Being a mentor doesn’t mean you’re infallible.”

”So what happened?” Ben insisted. 

Luke sighed. “From what I can gather, Palpatine was a charismatic, compelling Senator from Naboo, and a Chancellor later on. From what I heard of his speeches, he spoke with enough conviction to make people believe him, even when he was subverting the Republic’s Constitution. If I had encountered that version of Palpatine as opposed to the overconfident tyrant on the second Death Star, I can imagine that it would have been difficult. My father was deeply in love with my mother, and suffering the aftereffects of losing his own mother. Not just losing her, but at nineteen, just a Padawan, seeing her die in his arms after being tortured to death by Tusken Raiders.” Luke closed his eyes, visibly sorrowful. “He...was broken by the experience. When he saw visions of my mother dying in childbirth, my father went to Master Yoda. Yoda...well, he wasn’t particularly helpful to my father. Talked about attachment being the shadow of greed, never mind that attachment is part of the core of who we are as sentient beings!” Luke’s eyes flew open, and he really did look angry. He sighed. “Palpatine, of course, preyed on my father’s grief and fear. My father would have damned the galaxy to keep my mother safe. And he did.”

Ben couldn’t help but feel a bizarre sort of sympathy, a bizarre sort of familiarity with what Luke had said. It wasn’t right what Anakin did. But Ben could feel compassion for Anakin nonetheless. 

“It didn’t work. My father damned the galaxy,” Luke said, “And my mother died. Some say it was like she simply lost the strength to go on. Seeing the democracy she sought to preserve in tatters and my father playing a pivotal role in it, not to mention his slaughter of younglings — ”

”Why?” Ben said. “They were younglings.”

Luke sighed. “I don’t know. But the stress of it all killed my mother. She died after giving birth to Leia and I and...I do occasionally wonder, had my father had someone else to run to, if all this would have happened. But I guess it was almost...easy to blame the Jedi for what happened to my parents. Easy and unfair.”

”But you saved him,” Ben said. 

“I did.” Luke’s voice and face softened. “It didn’t mean my way was always successful.” He sighed. “Kylo...he was a different kind of Jedi than Anakin. But there were similarities too. Sometimes I wonder...how much of a pair of mirror images they were.”

And even as Ben got to reading more of the texts, this time settling on the Old Republic era and the story of the Mandalorian Wars, he couldn’t help but wonder if Luke was lying about what he was really wondering. 

***

“I never gave you the proper name for your feats at Dantooine, apprentice.”

Even as Avra stood before Snoke, she couldn’t help but wonder if “feats” was really the right way to describe what she did at Dantooine. She could still hear the screaming of immolated civilians in the building. It was all inside, all of it an echo that seemed to spread.

Snoke spoke. “You did admirably. You have destabilized Dantooine just about effortlessly; I have sent Nara Ren to occupy it, to act as its Administrator, so to speak. The citizens of Dantooine will have a new order. Khoonda may be in ashes, but Nara Ren will find a new symbol for Dantooine. A symbol that shows that the First Order cannot be beaten, that the course of establishing order cannot be fought.”

”I doubt I deserve praise for that,” Avra said. 

“Oh, you do. Dantooine was all too content to stick to the way things were. Despite the failings of the Masters, despite the cancer of corruption growing inside what looked like a peaceful farming community, people were all too willing to go back to how things were. It would have enjoyed stronger leadership under the Sith. Malak was not what I would call prudent, but he had strength, and seized it, saw his opportunity and took it. The galaxy, however, does not suffer change gladly. I have watched for generations upon generations as others have repeated mistakes of the past, not because they expected different results, but because they feared what would happen should the results be different.” Snoke paused. “The galaxy finds improvement and progress intimidating. They would liken it to your body fighting germs or a youngling learning to walk. Homeostasis. They would embrace repetition and passivity as long as they could slow down the sands of time.”

”You’re saying Dantooine’s destruction was good?”

”There are sound arguments for a strong, firm ruler,” Snoke said. “Someone who could ward off threats to the community — Mandalorian mercenaries, kinrath, kath hounds. To fortify, and not to yield. And if that means tearing down the old corrupt government to build a new one in its place, I see no reason why not.”

“But why kill them?”

”Sacrifices must be made for something larger than ourselves.” Snoke said. “Welcome to the fold...Caedus Ren.” 

***

— _Snoke was talking again. “I would dare to say that Vader’s survival on Mustafar was worthy of a Milaran warrior. After all, here he was, betrayed by his mentor, betrayed by his wife, mutilated and burning, and he still survived. Had the strength to rise from the fires of Mustafar and continue to fight.” —_

_— stepping onto solid ground, overlooking the ocean...the seemingly endless ocean. It wasn’t Manaan, Ben knew that much; Manaan was mostly city and an ocean. Snoke’s hand, twisted and gnarled, rested on his shoulder. “Kef Bir,” Snoke said. “Where the Death Star crashed. The natives of Kef Bir talk about the vengeful spirits that live beneath the waves. Do not disturb the water, they say. We may have to...disrupt that tradition, to find what we need. More precisely, Sith holocrons. There is much to be learned, truly, from what the oceans can give us...” —_

Ben woke in that moment, relieved for a change that it wasn’t in a cold sweat. Beside him, Poe was sleeping deeply, breathing deeply, in the bed across from him — Ben couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to sleep without bad dreams. Without flashes of memories that simply weren’t his. 

They’d been sharing a room at most. It was like, Ben thought, after they had shared a bed, Poe was trying to set more boundaries. How many more walls did Poe have to throw up, really, before Ben could get through to him?

Ben sighed before getting out of bed. Sleep was for people who could afford it, after all. He had to research the matter of Kef Bir. How exactly a Death Star that was destroyed over Endor ended up in Kef Bir’s oceans. Not to mention the fleet. He couldn’t afford to wake up Rose and Jannah. (How would he wake them up anyway? “Sorry to interrupt you both, but I had this dream about Snoke and Kylo on Kef Bir”? As non-Force-Sensitives, what were the odds they’d not think he was talking gibberish?) He couldn’t afford to wake up Luke. Was entering the Crait databases even a good idea? Ben couldn’t help but wonder, actually. 

Maybe trying his datapad first was a good idea. It was no use breaking into the Crait databases and likely compromising everyone’s trust.

Ben headed back to his room, got back under the covers and loaded the Holonet. Typed in “Kef Bir”. Even as Holonet articles came up, Ben felt a prickle on the back of his neck reading the headline “First Order Successfully Subjugates Kef Bir”. 

Of course, Jannah had alluded to it. How her parents had been imprisoned for speaking out against the man who had appointed himself ruler of Kef Bir, Thanatos Ren. The Monk, as some called him. It was another thing to actually see holos of the First Order razing cities, seeing live footage of Thanatos’ speeches — talking about how Force Sensitives would inevitably submit to the teachings of the Knights of Ren. 

“_They will come to love me. They will call me father, savior, leader, teacher — and much more_.”

Ben shuddered even as he watched the live footage. And in his mind, he saw a flash of something, streaks of red against a dark galactic sky, and he blinked. Another memory. He rubbed his temples gingerly, wondering when the memories would let up. 

***

“You heard about Thanatos.” 

General Organa was grim even as she said those words. Ben nodded. 

“It was why Jannah joined,” General Organa said. “Thanatos was all but draining the resources from the planet. Pillaging, ravaging, draining — all to find what was below the surface. Snoke and Kylo inspired him to come here.”

Ben already felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. To think that Kylo had ruined so many lives...he could pity where Kylo had come from, and he could feel some degree of sadness for General Organa for losing her own son in such a way, but Kylo had done so much damage. Too much damage, actually. 

“Is there anything we can do?” Ben said. 

General Organa nodded. “Though it’s best you leave Luke behind, for the time being. I don’t like the idea of delivering him into the hands of a Knight of Ren.”

Ben supposed it made sense. Considering that Luke was number one on the First Order’s enemies list, going into Kef Bir with Luke in tow was a terrible idea. 

General Organa continued. “Madine, bless him, actually found a freighter we can use. I would recommend the Falcon, but unfortunately, it’s too recognizable.” A beat. “The freighter’s called the White Hawk.”

***

Even leading Ben out to view the White Hawk, Ben knew that the ship wasn’t anything special. Definitely not some sort of yacht, Ben knew that much. And yet viewing the red-white contrast of the ship, Ben couldn’t help but think that it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

“Poe’s insisted on accompanying you,” General Organa said. “He doesn’t want you to get injured like you did on Dantooine.”

”Sweet of him,” Ben said. 

“Of course, Ben,” General Organa said. “He may have his wounds, but he’s not cruel.”

”I know.” After all, Poe had been kind to him even in between the clashes they had. Poe was a genuinely kind person. It wasn’t his fault that he’d been in love with Kylo and Kylo had hurt him. 

“Jannah’s also insisted on accompanying you,” General Organa said. “She...has a score to settle with Thanatos.”

”I can see that,” Ben said. “Is Rose coming too?”

General Organa nodded. “Annie and Tallie are coming too. And Jess. It seems that wherever you go, they follow. Rey and Finn have also insisted on coming.”

”Whoa.” Ben laughed in surprise as he spoke. “Quite a few people. I guess my job is to keep them from killing each other.”

”Don’t be melodramatic, Ben,” General Organa said. “They’ll get along fine. They know each other well enough.”

***

They boarded the White Hawk, and Poe whistled softly. “Definitely something, getting our own ship,” he said. 

“She’s gorgeous, isn’t she?” Ben said. 

“Yeah.” Poe sighed in relief. “I definitely prefer you not get injured again,” he said, more seriously. 

“That kinrath sting wasn’t a big deal.” It left a faded scar where it had stung Ben, but judging by other scars he had, like the strange scar on his side, he had a feeling, somehow, that he had seen worse. 

“It could have been worse,” Ben said. 

“Still.” Poe shrugged as he spoke. “I don’t like it when you’re hurt.” Ben didn’t know if it was those words or the way Poe’s hand brushed his unscarred shoulder that made any sort of joke catch in his throat. 

“You could...tie me up,” Ben said, his voice a little breathy at the possibility. “Give me reasons not to leave...take good care of me...”

Poe groaned, seeming frustrated. “This isn’t a joke. Or a porn holo.”

”Sorry.” Ben said. 

Poe sighed. “No problem. Just...I’m not tying you up.” A faint smile. “The White Hawk does need its Captain.“

And even as they walked towards the cockpit, Ben couldn’t help but look around, look at the place that he couldn’t help but wonder about customizing —

— “_What’s that?”   
_

_The same low-ish voice from his other memories. “That? Those were my lucky dice. Had them since I was a boy. They...” That voice took on an uncomfortable trace of sadness. “They were there when I escaped Corellia, and the girl who was supposed to go with me...she later gave them back.”_

_”Daddy? Don’t be sad.”_

_”Being sad’s normal, kiddo. As normal as being happy or angry. You don’t have to worry about me.” A pause. “But those are lucky dice. Long as we keep them with us, nothing bad’ll happen.”_ —

Ben blinked, feeling his eyes suddenly grow wet. Poe’s hand ghosted over his shoulder in that moment, and Ben couldn’t help but feel a sort of steadiness. 

“So, who gets the pilot’s seat?” Ben said, trying to make a joke. 

Poe smiled. “Well...you could take it.”

”Maybe we can be co-pilots,” Ben said. “But I trust you to do the piloting. I mean,” and here his voice took on a teasing edge, “Are you not the best pilot in the Resistance?”

He didn’t expect the look in Poe’s eyes, the sort of distant, haunted look that seemed almost like Poe had gone someplace he couldn’t follow. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben said. 

“S’all right,” Poe said. He didn’t sound all right, Ben couldn’t help but think. “Just...never mind. We should get to Kef Bir. Fire up the engines and get flying.”

Ben couldn’t deny that. Even as he and Poe started up the ship, he couldn’t help but wish that Poe would talk to him about what he was feeling...just for a change. 


	13. Thanatos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arriving on Kef Bir doesn’t go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Warning for canon compliant torture and Snoke being a douchebag.

_“I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance onboard.”_

_He stepped forward. Even though the eyeholes of his mask were constricting and too narrow, even though he felt like he was all but being imprisoned behind that mask, he could see Poe Dameron lying on the rack. Fragile looking, innocent-looking, delicate. Curly black hair, almost sculpted features. He reminded Kylo of an angel, which reminded Kylo of why he didn’t believe in angels. Even angels had to break. And as Poe looked up at him with such bile in his eyes, Kylo couldn’t help but feel a curious urge to remove the mask. Remove the mask, let Poe recognize him. Kiss him? Stars, something in him that clawed like an angry nexu longed to kiss Poe, to feel those exquisite lips beneath his own. He couldn’t. He had to keep his desires in check, as much as he longed for Poe.   
_

_“Comfortable?” he said wryly.   
_

_“Not really,” Poe said. Sarcastic to the last. That was Poe. And Kylo — something in him that had once been that weak, foolish boy loved him with all he was.   
_

_Kylo walked towards him. Getting closer, seeing that exquisite face that looked up at him with a defiance in the face of knowing that he would most likely not win against Kylo, but he would at least stand up to him as best he could. “I’m impressed,” Kylo said, softly. “No one’s been able to get out of you...what you did with the map."   
_

_He meant it too. Somewhere, within Kylo Ren, he loved Poe Dameron for being so determined, so strong. So beautiful. Whatever came next...he was sorry for what he had to do. What Snoke instructed him to do.   
_

_—_

_Strangely, he was out of that memory, and in his personal quarters, looking through the eyeholes of his mask. A melted, twisted travesty of his grandfather’s mask, staring up at him. He had appealed to his grandfather before to give him strength, but aside from a moment when he had felt something from beyond the Force, Kylo had felt nothing. Still, he could not concede.   
_

_“Grandfather,” he said. “I’m here.”_

_No answer. The mask stared back.   
_

_“He is here,” Kylo said. “Poe Dameron. The pilot from Yavin. The best pilot in the Resistance.” He paused. “The old man gave it to him. The map. I know what I must do but I...” He paused. Somehow, even as the sensations of the sting of a torture droid (Hux’s doing) and the thudding of stormtrooper fists all but vibrated in the Force, from where Poe's signature was all but radiating...Kylo knew he had to go to him. To stop it. But he knew that he had to take over. Would it be more merciful? To have someone who loved him hurting him, as opposed to Hux and his miserable men?   
_

_“I don’t have the strength to do it,” Kylo said. “Give me the strength to do it, and I — ”_

_The communications console went off, and he huffed behind his mask. “I suppose,” he said, “I’ll have to come back to it.”_

_Snoke’s hologram materialized, seeming even bigger in the confined space that was Kylo’s quarters. “My patience grows thin, Kylo Ren,” Snoke rumbled. “You have not extracted one piece of even remotely useful information out of Poe Dameron?”_

_”I...have not gone to him.” Kylo swallowed. His throat felt like it was filled with vibroblades. “I cannot.”_

_“I want,” Snoke gritted out, “Skywalker dead now. If I didn’t know better, I would say you had feelings for that Resistance terrorist in the cell not far from you.”_

_”I don’t — ”_

_He was cut off by the feeling of a hand squeezing his windpipe. Kylo sputtered, feeling even more constricted behind the mask.   
_

_“If you do not extract the map from him,” Snoke said, “I promise you, Ren, you useless lovesick traitor, that your favorite pilot will be executed at dawn for the acts of terrorism he committed — though not before I rip the map from his skull. I will put him through pain unimaginable, and then — ”_

_”Please...don’t...”_

_”What will you do to stop me?” Snoke sneered. “You could hardly stop a harmless little gizka.”_

_Kylo knew he was right. Snoke was too powerful. He, Kylo, was mediocre. Poe would die in horrible pain. Unless he did something...  
_

_Kylo opened his mouth...and agreed.   
_

_—-_

Ben awoke in that moment, nearly banging his head on the top of the cockpit in his hurry to get awake. He’d been in the mind of a torturer. Someone who had been both a torturer and, bizarrely enough, a victim in his own right. 

Snoke had threatened to kill Poe if Kylo didn’t torture him. If he hadn’t invaded his mind. And Kylo...

Poe was still asleep. Thank the stars. Ben stumbled out of the cockpit, nearly bumping his head on the top again, and headed towards the fresher. He barely managed to make it to the sink before he vomited. Kriffing hell. He didn’t know who to hate in that situation — Kylo, for hurting Poe, or Snoke, for being the author of it all. 

***

”You slept like a kriffing rock,” Ben said to Poe the next morning. He envied Poe. He envied how easily Poe had slept. He didn’t know how, considering that Poe had had his mind ripped apart. 

“Appearances can be deceiving,” Poe said. “I...had my share of troubled dreams. You look like you saw a ghost, though.”

Ben sighed. “Maybe. I mean...” He smiled ruefully. “There’s still chunks of vomit in the sink. Fair warning.”

”I’m sorry, Ben,” Poe said softly. “I’m sorry I was asleep while you were throwing up.”

”Not your fault. Poe...if the flashes I got are any indication, Kylo didn’t hurt you willingly. Snoke made him. Said he was going to kill you if Kylo didn’t.”

That look on Poe’s face again, like he wanted to hug Ben. Ben couldn’t say he understood why, that look on Poe’s face. Did Poe ever make sense. 

“Well, kriff,” Poe said. “I didn’t think...”

Ben swallowed. “I don’t know if it would help. I just...thought you should know.”

Poe nodded. “Thank you, Ben. It does...explain some things.”

”I think Snoke was also hurting Kylo for years on end. And...” Ben swallowed. “And no one did anything. No one tried to rescue him.”

He could all but feel the fury going nuclear in Poe’s mind. An explosion that seemed almost white hot. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben said softly. 

“I’m mad at Snoke,” Poe said. “Really.”

And still, Ben wondered if that was the whole story. 

***

Landing on Kef Bir...Ben was heartened, if slightly, by Rey’s exclamations of amazement at seeing that much water in the galaxy. Jannah, meanwhile, looked grim. “Wish it were under better circumstances,” she said. “Thanatos...he’s been looking for something under the oceans and he’s not stopping until he gets it. And he’s all but subjugating my people.” Her voice became more heated even as she spoke. “As if polluting the oceans isn’t bad enough.”

Rose, tentatively, squeezed her hand, and Jannah seemed, in that moment, pulled back to reality. Grounded. 

“I’m sorry,” Rey said softly. “We’ll do something about it. I promise.”

Jannah nodded. “Damn right we are.”

Even as Ben walked with them towards the mainland, he couldn’t help but notice how grim everything looked. The First Order officers that were standing there, at the gates, in their dark uniforms. Stiff uniforms too. Ben wondered how they even felt comfortable in those things. 

“Stop right there,” one First Order guard said sharply, “Or you’re getting a blaster shot between the eyes.”

_Well, so much for being inconspicuous,_ Ben thought. He waved his hand, putting the weight of the Force into his voice. “We pose no threat to you,” he said. “You will let us pass in peace.”

”Jedi?” the guard sneered. “Nice try. You’re coming with us to see War Chief Thanatos Ren. Your companion,” she looked over at Jannah even as she spoke, “Only makes it all worse.”

Jannah shot him a look that said, pretty distinctly, _Good going, moof-milker_. Ben sighed. “We’ll see,” he said, igniting his lightsaber. 

The look on the First Order officer’s face before Ben cut her down — it was clear she knew she’d made a big mistake. More First Order officers rounded the corner, and the group sprang into action. Blasters, lightsabers, even a bow in Jannah’s case...they turned the cold, stiff walkways of Kef Bir into a war zone. Somehow, Ben thought, it felt all too natural to be cutting these people down like that. Too natural. 

It was then that Ben could feel Thanatos Ren approaching before he even saw him. Heat. Too much heat, a lot like Snoke. A man, more of a mask and a long cloak, a harbinger of death rather than a man...and somehow, Ben knew him. He felt too familiar. 

But he couldn’t, could he? 

Thanatos reached out, without a word, and Ben...

Ben felt himself forced to kneel. 


	14. Unfinished Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben vs. Thanatos, and the aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“The presence I felt in the Force,” Thanatos said, and even his voice sounded distorted and nightmarish, like something out of the depths of hell. “The girl I expected,” and Ben had a feeling that he was referring to Jannah, “But not you. How far you have _fallen_.”

_What was he talking about?_ Ben thought, even as he all but felt an invisible hand on his head and back, forcing him down. 

Thanatos circled him, his cloak all but swirling around him. “I was originally prepared to deal with the girl. But you...I’m going to enjoy gutting you, false Jedi.”

Ben all but felt himself being pulled to his feet. Around him, even as Thanatos extended his hand, his companions froze. Ben looked from them to Thanatos. “Of all the dirty tricks...”

”What can I say?” Thanatos said. “Your companions are of little interest to me. Defeating you, on the other hand...this’ll be fun.”

”You can go ahead and try,” Ben said. 

Thanatos raised his lightsaber — a single-bladed red lightsaber. Figures, Ben couldn’t help but think. He met Thanatos’ strike with his own, lashing just from under. They dueled, and even as Ben moved, he couldn’t help but feel like he had done this all before. Spinning, striking, it seeming almost like some kriffed up dance of death. 

“Is this all you’ve got, usurper?” Thanatos said. “Pathetic.”

Ben was already trying to catch his breath even as he stood there. Thanatos’ mask seemed to all but be laughing at him. Some sort of Festival of the Dead monster all but laughing at him, grinning with stupid malice. 

But Ben would be damned if he lost any sort of will to fight. “Not yet,” he said.

Their blades locked, green meeting red, and even as they struggled for victory, Ben could have sworn that something flashed behind his eyes —

— _Finn, wielding Luke’s lightsaber (for some reason?), Kylo pressing against the lock. It was familiar, that move; Kylo had found it a handy move when facing a bladelock of this sort. That boy Kylo was would have been revolted by it, but Kylo had gotten used to it. The smell of scorching flesh as he pressed into Finn’s shoulder was almost too sweet —_

Ben stumbled backwards. Thanatos took advantage of the moment to blast Ben with lightning.

”He is pathetic, truly,” Thanatos sneered. “A traitor. He feels remorse! For what he did to a fellow traitor. But then again, he was always a weakling. Conflicted. Scared. A child in a mask.”

He had to get up. How did he get up — had to stand — stand —

He gritted his teeth against the pain, against the electricity that seemed to be setting his body on fire. 

— _advancing towards Snoke, insulted by the idea that he had been a failure even after doing what Snoke wanted, which was killing Han Solo. Snoke, effortlessly shooting him full of Lightning, Lightning that shot through his nerves —_

Even raising his lightsaber to deflect the Lightning seemed like the hardest thing he could do. Like an impossible task. But it was worth it when he saw the Lightning deflecting back onto Thanatos. For a moment, Ben, shaking and breathing hard, thought he could see the mask melting slowly from the onslaught.

”Hurts...doesn’t it...” Ben gritted out. 

“Ben, don’t!”

Rey. Ben turned to look at her. “Give me a good reason why I shouldn’t gut him,” Ben said.

”You’re better than this,” Rey said. “I know that there is something in you that wants to be a better man. Be the man he clearly isn’t. Don’t...don’t torture him.”

_Oh, that’s kriffing cheating. _He thought of Poe, lying there on the rack — and even the idea that he was anything like Kylo Ren was enough to make him stop. By then, Thanatos looked exhausted, his mask a sad shell of the intimidating structure that it had been.

Ben reached out, froze him. Before he could so much as levitate him to the White Hawk, a bow caught him in the chest. Then another, and another. Ben could already feel Thanatos bleeding out, his breathing sounding labored, almost a death rattle, before stopping. Ben could swear that the sight of the half-melted helmet, the death’s head grinning, was going to join his nightmares.

He looked over at Jannah, who was panting. “Just to be sure,” she said. She wasn’t relishing it. There was only a calm, quiet certainty that she had done the right thing. 

“I think he’s...deader than dead,” Ben said. Thanatos was a monster, had tortured him and ravaged Kef Bir, and yet, somehow, he felt like he had known him. Like in another lifetime, he would have called this man “friend”. What was wrong with him?

He rose to his feet. He swayed, and barely caught himself. He gritted his teeth; everything hurt all over, but he pounded on his side. He didn’t know why he was doing it. He just knew that he wasn’t about to fall over...

”Ben.” Poe’s voice. “It’s okay. It’s normal. You got hit with Force Lightning pretty kriffing bad. Kriff, even your robes are smoking...”

That was the last that Ben heard before he toppled over, everything going black.

***

_He was in the cockpit of some sort of fighter, he knew that much. He could feel Poe — his bright light all but burning brightly, determined to defend the Resistance. The two TIE fighters by his side went spinning off, courtesy of Poe and the girl with him, but even so, he couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger. _

_He ought to. And yet he couldn’t. Torturing Poe was bad enough. He couldn’t kill him. The thought of killing this beautiful, wonderful man was, in the end, unthinkable. For a moment, Kylo swore that he couldn’t breathe from the pain that was all but stabbing through his chest. He couldn’t fire on Poe..._

_It didn’t stop the laser blasts from Poe and the girl. Couldn’t. Even as he fell from the sky, trying to resteady the TIE Fighter was a struggle. He couldn’t do it. Couldn’t —_

_And that was how it ended. Kylo Ren was no Vader. He was just a child in a mask..._

Ben groaned even as he opened his eyes. He was soaking wet, dressed in a medical gown, and he couldn’t help but feel self-conscious at the feeling of Poe’s concerned eyes on him.

”I feel like I was charged by an angry bantha,” Ben muttered.

”Yeah, I know.” Poe sighed. “Not gonna lie, I was scared for you. Shooed the others out.” A stressed grin. “I figured that me seeing you half-naked was bad enough.”

”I’m not that appealing to see half-naked,” Ben said.

”You’re...well-formed.” Poe bit his lip even as he spoke. “Sorry. That sounded a bit weird considering we’re...well...”

”It’s all right.” Ben sighed. “What did I miss?”

”Jannah and Rose freed the others. Jannah’s parents...they’re ruling Kef Bir now. After they got rid of that weird underwater machinery thing that Thanatos installed.”

”Good on them,” Ben said. He took a deep breath. “You shot Kylo down.”

”If I’d known who he was, I would have at least hesitated a little,” Poe said.

That Ben wasn’t expecting.

”I hated him for what he did to so many people. And yet I remember who he was before and I love him. It’s a thing that can’t be resolved.”

”He didn’t fire on you,” Ben said. “Because he was in love with you. Hurting you once was bad enough. He couldn’t kill you.”

The look on Poe’s face...why did he have that sudden flicker of what looked hopeful in those eyes?

”So there was still good in him...” Poe said. 

“I suppose,” Ben said. It seemed that Kylo could be capable of cruelty and compassion all at once. He wished he could say what to make of it, he truly did.

Poe sighed. “I wish he’d told me. Before he left. He said that he had to leave, to complete his training. He couldn’t put me in danger, he said. Where he went, I couldn’t follow. I still don’t know what made him leave...but I suppose I’ll find out.”

Ben could all but feel the pain from Poe all but radiating over their Bond. “Maybe he was stupid,” Ben said. “It would explain why anyone would think of leaving you. You, of all people.”

For a moment, he swore that he actually saw a hint of a smile tugging at Poe’s lips. Kriff, Ben would do anything to get a smile out of Poe. To know that he was responsible for making Poe laugh. He felt unreachable, untouchable, and Ben wished that he wasn’t. 

***

Ben was relieved to actually wear Resistance gear as opposed to being half-naked. At least he was feeling better than how he initially was, at least a little bit. Even looking around the dinner table, listening to Rose and Jannah recounting how they’d freed Kef Bir, watching Tallie and Jess sitting close together, watching Rey and Finn sit close together, he wished that he and Poe could have that kind of ease. Instead of moving closer one minute, feeling far away the next. He picked at his food — and it was there that Ben looked up just to see Poe looking at him, giving him a reassuring sort of smile. Even that realization, that he’d gotten a smile out of Poe...well, Ben could swear that his heart skipped a beat for Poe, and Poe alone.

”Hey,” Poe said. “It’s okay, you know.”

”Thanks.” Ben sighed. He wished there was a way to say exactly what he meant. “I guess it is.”


	15. Awful, Unfair, Mean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben gets to know Poe (and the late Shara Bey) better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Impossible, Snoke seethed even as he sat on his throne, hearing of the news that Kef Bir had been effectively returned to its “rightful” rulers. Simply impossible. It wasn’t even the fact that a mere non-Force Sensitive shot Thanatos full of arrows. It was the fact that the the amnesiac Kylo Ren had helped defeat him. Of course, Thanatos wasn’t the Master of the Knights. But even so, Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, was useless. Nothing. He could have been everything and he proved himself to be nothing and yet a nothing helped best one of his Knights...

That wasn’t how it was supposed to go. To say nothing of that disappointment helping to contribute to disorder and confusion in the galaxy...

Still, what if he was mistaken? What if, in the end, he had judged his ex-apprentice too harshly?

After Arden and Xendor’s betrayals, something in Aldric had closed off, become cruel. It was almost easy to see those who killed his wife and child behind the eyes of apprentices who disappointed him. He had seen Arden and Xendor in the eyes of Kylo Ren when the latter had tried justifying his failure at Starkiller. To care was to be disappointed...but if his ex-apprentice was finally learning...

Besides, hadn’t Kylo been wounded, and all but ravaged by grief and guilt over killing Han Solo? Snoke could remember during his tirade against Kylo feeling leftover cracks in him start to widen. After he had killed Xendor and rendered Arden comatose even as she begged for him to kill her, unable to bear the separation from her beloved, Snoke had felt a sort of horror at what he had done. Feeling room for that...well, it had nearly cost him his jaw. The knowledge that Kylo was like him should have been invigorating. Instead, Kylo was the worst parts of him. Too violent for Light, too cowardly for Dark. Everything he hated in Ren, he’d tried to quash. 

And now his apprentice was proving him wrong. Snoke couldn’t say whether he was angry, in the end, or impressed. Either way, it seemed that Ben Solo was more full of potential than he thought. 

***

At least there were actually additional beds on the Hawk. Even as Ben lay down in one of the admittedly comfortable ones, he said, “You know I’m well enough for both of us to pilot the ship, right?”

”You’re on the mend,” Poe said. “Crucial difference. Besides, we’re on AutoPilot. BB-8 could fly this thing.”

Ben smirked despite himself. Even the mental image of BB-8 flying the freighter was enough to be an endearing image, the little orange and white droid sitting in the pilot’s seat. 

“Yeah,” Poe said. “He’d make a great pilot, wouldn’t he?”

”Damn good,” Ben said. He took a deep breath. “So, all this...you’re just worried about me?”

”What can I say? You were brave. And...when you were on the receiving end of that Force Lightning, I know that I felt it too.” A beat. “I thought you were going to die, Ben.”

Ben swallowed. The way Poe sounded, how open and vulnerable...it was one of those moments when Ben wished that he could reach over and touch fingers at least with Poe. 

“I’ll try not to die,” he said. 

“Good. Kriff,” Poe said, “That was pretty heavy. We’re going to be a while traveling back to Crait, so...we could kill some time?”

”Define ‘kill some time’,” Ben said. 

“We could talk?” 

Ben swallowed even as Poe spoke. Then, “Sure.” A beat. “There’s a lot I don’t know about you, actually.”

”Me?” Poe said. He looked surprised, actually. A mixture of pleasantly surprised, and not-so-much. Ben wondered if it would ever be anything else. 

“Yes, exactly,” Ben said. “I mean...I bet there’s anyone on board who wants to crack the code. Figure out what’s going on with the pilot with a broken heart.” A beat. “Not like I’m doing it for the sake of it, of course.”

”Figured that.” Poe sighed as he spoke. “Well, my name’s Poe Dameron. Poe Kes Dameron, if you want to get more detailed. I’m thirty-three years old — ”

”You don’t look it,” Ben said, and Poe actually laughed. Laughed, and he looked so beautiful that Ben had to stop and stare for a moment in amazement. 

Poe stopped, looking hesitant. “You okay?”

”Great. I’ve just...never made you laugh before.”

Poe smiled. No less beautiful, Ben thought. “Well, you’re very nice. I admit I can feel it sometimes. Few streaks of gray hair here and there.”

”Don’t be ridiculous,” Ben said. “Everyone gets them. It’s not like...a big deal. You still look...great.” 

Poe smiled. “You’re too nice to me.”

”Thanks.” He wondered if the Bond could conceal the fact that he thought Poe was almost angelically beautiful, and had kindness to match. That Poe had been his angel, constantly, even when he hated him. He couldn’t help but grow to care for this beautiful, caring, talented man. To...or was it too soon? 

“So,” Ben said, a bit uncomfortably now, “How did you become a pilot?”

”My mother, primarily,” Poe said. “She died when I was eight years old. Speeder accident.”

”I’m sorry.” Ben said, softly. 

“Don’t be,” Poe said. “It’s not your fault.”

Ben wondered, idly, if Poe’s mother was still out there, in the Force. It struck him as unfair that people who weren’t Force Sensitive didn’t even seem to get some semblance of an afterlife. That there was just emptiness, blackness. Like the afterlife was an exclusive club you had to get into. 

“_But it’s not fair that only Force Sensitives get an afterlife, Uncle!” Kylo’s voice — as a child. It was an odd feeling he had — petulant-sounding on the surface, sad beneath. “The Force shouldn’t be s-some sort of exclusive club or anything. It’s awful! It’s unfair! It’s mean!”_

_Luke looked down at him with the utmost compassion. “Of course it is, Ben. There are so many things about the Jedi and the Force that are awful and unfair and mean. That’s why we’re striving to make them better.”   
_

_And yet Kylo could sense that somehow, it was like the effort of trying to put together a new Jedi Order was all but discouraging his uncle. His uncle was trying to hide it, of course. Trying not to let Kylo see it — kids apparently couldn’t handle grown-ups being upset or something. Why, Kylo couldn’t help but think. He could make Uncle Luke feel better. Hug him, like his parents did when he was upset. Sing him lullabies like they did when he couldn’t sleep. Anything.   
_

_“I can help,” Kylo said softly.   
_

_“You shouldn’t worry about me,” Uncle Luke said. “You’re young. You’re little. You should be having fun...not worrying about how much teeth the galaxy can have.”_

_”I won’t always be little,” Kylo said. And when he got older, he’d turn the galaxy upside down and inside out so that Poe and Uncle Luke wouldn’t have to be sad again.   
_

_“_Ben?”

Poe’s voice. Ben blinked; it was odd coming back to himself. Realizing that perhaps, Kylo’s start of darkness had had its seeds there. It was cruel thinking that though — Kylo had been only a youngling, and most younglings were innocent. At least, Ben thought, the sorts that would stab their sisters to death in holovids were anomalies. 

“Yeah,” he said. He didn’t want to upset Poe too much by bringing up Kylo. “I’m...okay.”

”You saw him?” Poe said. 

Ben nodded. “It’s scary how innocent he seems,” he said. “Like he just...didn’t want you to be sad. About your mom.” And somehow, he agreed with Kylo. The Force shouldn’t just be a clubhouse where you had to be a certain set of specifics to join. Awful, unfair, mean — Kylo was right there, right about all of it. 

Poe nodded. “Sounds like him,” he said, quietly. Then, “I actually have her ring. My mother’s. I was thinking of giving it to the right partner...”

Ben thought he could see a flash of metal under Poe’s shirt, against bronzed skin. Even the idea of whoever would be lucky enough to be Poe’s partner...Ben couldn’t help but feel an unexplainable stab of jealousy. 

“It looks beautiful,” Ben said. 

“Yeah,” Poe said. “I’ve been keeping it close. Just waiting for the right moment, the right one.”

Ben swallowed. “Tell me more about your mother,” he said. “She sounds amazing.” 


	16. In Vino Veritas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a drunken celebration goes wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for discussion of grooming/molestation, though Snoke pretty vehemently denies he did any of it.

Ben couldn’t say how long they talked, if he was to be perfectly honest. They talked until they were exhausted. Until Ben’s head hit the pillow. There was something about Poe’s presence that, in that moment, was enough to calm Ben. Even though he could feel something else in his mind, something too hot, something that seemed almost like a scorching desert burning dully in the back of his head, he could also feel Poe, and he knew, in a sense, that he was safe. He knew that Poe was with him. No matter what it took. 

Was it too soon to admit that he loved Poe? Ben didn’t know. It seemed, though, in the insanity of Kylo Ren’s resurfacing memories, that Poe was his clarity. 

***

Impossible. 

Snoke had a feeling that he was going to be using that word quite a lot, actually. It sounded almost absurd, like a villain in a cheesy holovid contemplating their own demise. It was something that didn’t fit, and yet here it all was. Dameron could not possibly be an obstacle to Solo once more taking up the mantle of Kylo Ren. Love did not work that way. It destroyed, condemned — but it did not act as a form of salvation. It was weakness. Even if he did want Kylo Ren, as he would have coveted a replacement for his and Riina’s dead offspring. 

And Dameron wasn’t even good enough for even Kylo Ren. He wasn’t even Force Sensitive. He was as blind to the Force as Kylo Ren’s father. He didn’t come from anything of importance — his parents were nothing more than common soldiers. He had nothing to offer, he came from nothing, was nothing — and yet somehow, Ren had loved him enough to want to rearrange the galaxy for him. 

Somehow, General Organa had smiled upon him too. Of course, General Organa would cling to anything to shirk responsibility as a mother. It was Ren’s choice that was baffling...

If he could get his hands on Dameron —

Snoke could have laughed at himself. The most logical step was getting Ren or that scavenger whelp, Rey. Or Skywalker. But through Dameron, he could get to Ren. It seemed to be the only way to get Ren to listen. To come back to the First Order, where he belonged. 

Caedus Ren arrived in the throne room of the Supremacy. “I felt the disturbance too, Supreme Leader,” she said. “The man, your previous apprentice...he’s starting to regain his strength, isn’t he?”

She sounded almost wound tight, like she was expecting to be abandoned again. Nobody. She hadn’t done anything to warrant any disdain, though. Any rejection. She was a competent apprentice, at least. 

“Yes,” Snoke said. “Though I cannot see his every intent as before.”

Caedus Ren raised an eyebrow. 

Snoke continued. “I’ve had a Force Bond with him ever since he was a boy. We did not meet in the flesh until he was nineteen years old and fleeing from his uncle. But I felt him. Kept an eye on him, shielded him, protected him. It never got further than me being a surrogate father to him, filling the gaps his parents could not.”

”Sounds like...grooming to me,” Caedus Ren said. 

“Impressive,” Snoke said, feeling a sort of white hot rage bubble up behind his eyes. “Everything you said was wrong.” 

He ought to electrocute her. To hurt her. How dare the presumptuous whelp even think of him as akin to a soul-murderer? (Abusing a child killed the soul of the being who did it, and killed the innocence of the child. A child’s innocence was one of the rarest of treasures; Snoke would never want to kill it) “I was there for him,” Snoke said. “When he feared the monsters under his bed and in his closet, I protected him from them even though rational minds would know they are not real. When his parents argued like beasts squabbling over a corpse, I served as a substitute. When his uncle was unpredictable, I soothed the wounds he inflicted. He was not just my last hope for a better galaxy, a balanced Force.” He paused. “I lost everything. You wonder how I became the symbol that the Resistance would do anything to kill? I lost _hope_.”

Caedus Ren — stars, he wished she wouldn’t look at him with so much pity. He felt insulted, small, being reduced to a thing to be pitied.

”My mate is long dead. As is the child she was expecting. It makes no difference what techniques Darth Plagueis learned to stop death. My mate...” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He could remember getting his hands on the wretch that had killed Riina and her unborn child. How the wretch had babbled about the death being an accident. Coward. It had been a pleasure to kill him, and yet somehow, it was like killing him wasn’t enough. Making Arden and Xendor suffer — that was another thing. 

“I’m sorry,” Caedus Ren said. 

“My point is,” Snoke said, “That the idea of soul-murder is disgusting. I helped a little boy not be unhappy; I fail to see how that’s equivalent to _raping a child._”

Caedus Ren nodded, though Snoke could all but sense her hesitation. She would understand. It would be a hard journey, but she would understand. 

***

— _Kylo was in his room. A simple room in the Jedi Enclave that was filled with different possessions; posters of the galaxy and its different planets, his tooka doll that his father had given him. He was all but lying awake, listening for the Voice. The Voice that had protected him from the worst of things, comforted him when his parents fought. _

You love Dameron,_ the Voice said, softly.   
_

_Gently, Kylo nodded. It wasn’t like he could hide anything from the Voice. The Voice saw everything. The Voice heard everything. Sometimes, Kylo swore it was like he and the Voice were one and the same.   
_

And you’d do anything for him. For him, you’d move the stars themselves, and you would do that for no one else, wouldn’t you? 

_He was too young to understand. And yet he understood. The Voice had spoken like, long ago, it had seen that love, felt that love. Kylo could already feel the hollow places where it used to be.   
_

I can help,_ said the Voice. _You’re but a child, but you know too well. For you, for him, I would give you the means to move the stars...

***

Ben woke, feeling the same heat in the back of his mind. The same presence, the same sort of hollowness. Was he — but that was ludicrous, wasn’t it? Maybe after Kylo had died in the Raddus battle, Snoke had decided to latch onto him. Especially after he had helped kill Thanatos. (Jannah should take all the credit, though, he thought. After all, she struck the killing blow)

Poe was still sleeping soundly. Somehow, Ben envied him. Ben walked towards the cockpit in that moment, feeling the presences of others around him, staring into the blue void of hyperspace. It seemed to swirl around the White Hawk, engulfing it, embracing it. Ben walked back to the main hold in that moment, towards the caf machine. 

Better to have a use for it now than never. 

_You can’t hold on to him_, that Voice said. 

Ben put the mug below where the caf was dispensed and pressed the button. He could all but feel that presence in the back of his head. 

_Sooner or later, he will fall to me, and so will you.   
_

The caf felt too hot in his hands. Ben took a sip, hoping it would keep him awake, avoiding the voice inside his mind. 

***

Breakfast felt almost solemn, at least for Ben. Even as others talked, it seemed that only Poe seemed to know what was going on with Ben. Taking Ben aside, Poe said, “You look like you had a rough night.”

”Well, thanks,” Ben said wryly. 

“Ben.” Poe’s voice was soft. “You kept trying to open me up even when you pushed me away. Let me return the favor. I want to help you.”

“You’ll think less of me if I told you,” Ben said. 

Gently, Poe said, “Never.”

Ben told him the truth, and he was unprepared for Poe hugging him, an unexpectedly strong grip for such a small man. Small man, but strong nonetheless. 

“Dammit, Ben,” Poe said, “I’m never going to let him hurt you. Not...” He seemed to nearly slip up in that moment. “Not like he did Kylo.”

Ben furrowed his brow. “Thought you were going in a completely different direction.”

Poe sighed. “Right. Right.”

They were close, Ben realized, Poe’s hands resting on his chest. He was suddenly aware of how small Poe’s hands looked in comparison to his chest; they almost seemed dwarfed there. Ben took his hands —

— and Poe jolted away. Jolted like he had been burned all of a certain. Ben sighed, frustrated. “Where do you go?” he said. “Really. It’s like I try to get closer, and you throw up walls.”

”It’s for your own good,” Poe said. 

Before Ben could really ask further, Poe muttered something about checking up on further cockpit repairs and headed up there. Ben cursed and kicked the wall of the White Hawk, only succeeding in stubbing his toe in the process. 

Kriff, Ben could only think. Kriff. 

***

”I want a word with you.”

Finn. Ben groaned even as he faced the former stormtrooper. Finn’s face was calm, but Ben could already sense the fierce protective streak all but boiling under the surface.

”Don’t give me that,” Finn said. “You’re getting closer to Poe.”

”How the stang do you know that?”

Finn shrugged. “Well, for starters, you’re on a ship and you haven’t killed each other yet. But really, I don’t think there’s anyone on the White Hawk who doesn’t somehow know that.”

Maybe they were less subtle than they thought. “Well, that’s wizard,” Ben said sarcastically. 

Finn took a deep breath. “Poe’s my best friend. He saw things in me I didn’t know existed. We owe each other one. And I don’t want him to get hurt. I know it sounds weird to be asking you that...”

”I’m used to getting stuff like this,” Ben said bitterly. 

Finn continued. “But if you hurt him in any way, like Kylo did — ”

”Are you kriffing kidding?” Ben said. “I would never do anything to hurt Poe!”

”That’s good,” Finn said. “But if you hurt him, emphasis on ‘if'...I wasn’t able to beat Kylo. You, though...well, we’ll see.”

Ben nodded. “You don’t have to worry about us getting closer. Because Poe’s certainly not letting me.”

The way Finn looked, he clearly hadn’t been expecting anything like that. 

***

The debriefing with General Organa went well, all things considered, until she said, “Ensign, I have a question...do you love Commander Dameron?”

Well, that was forward as all hell. Ben could already feel the heat rushing to his cheeks. 

“I’m sorry,” General Organa said. “The reason I ask is that I’m worried about you. That’s all. You came back from the mission, and you looked...not quite yourself.”

Ben nodded. “He’s a wonderful, caring man, but I fear he doesn’t want to work with me. He puts walls up when I try to get through to him sometimes. And I...” He sighed. “I just don’t want him to be _sad_, that’s all.”

Leia nodded. “Neither do I,” she said. “I think he's afraid of falling back in love with anyone after what Kylo did to him. Kylo...wasn’t always a monster. But he did hurt Poe. I doubt it’s irreversible; Vader tortured me on the Death Star, and I’m not irreversibly broken. You can go on to live a good life after being hurt so deeply. Even if that man...” She sighed. “It’s common knowledge now, thanks to Senator Casterfo, that Vader is my father. And when your biological father tortures you for information, it makes you wonder what you did wrong...that you weren’t worth protecting. There were times I wondered that.”

Even that hurt to listen to. “He should have protected you,” Ben said. “That’s what fathers do, don’t they?”

Leia nodded. “In hindsight, I’m grateful that my parents on Alderaan looked after me as long as they did. Until they could no longer do so. My father...I can pity him for being fundamentally a damaged soul, but I can’t be okay with him forcing me to watch as my homeplanet was destroyed.”

The more Ben listened, the angrier he got. “How could he? You were his daughter!”

“I still don’t know,” Leia said. “It would be easy to blame it on his upbringing on Tatooine, for a certain definition of it, but Rey was raised similarly and I can’t picture her hurting anyone the way my father did.”

”But it’s not irreversible,” Ben said. The best he could cling to in this situation. 

“Exactly,” Leia said. “And in time, the pain passes. In time, it becomes part of you, but it doesn’t define who you are. I have...similarities with my father. But I am not him.” She sighed. “Even if sometimes I wonder if I repeated his mistakes. I would never dream of torturing Kylo. But I wasn’t there for him when it truly mattered.”

Ben swallowed. “That’s a whole different galaxy than torturing someone.”

”Perhaps,” Leia said. She sighed. “It was a hard topic, Ben, but I’m glad we had this talk. And give Poe time. A broken leg doesn’t heal by someone rushing it. I doubt psychological scars are any different.”

Ben nodded. Even leaving, he paused, looked back, wondering if it was appropriate to hug the General. She needed it, Ben thought. After everything she endured, she needed to be comforted. It was unfair that such a kind, strong woman like General Organa had to be tortured and traumatized and brutalized by someone who should have been like her best friend. Even Snoke had known that fathers protected their children. Something had to be very wrong with Vader to be so cruel to his own son and daughter. Had Vader been coerced into it like Kylo had (his grandson, Ben thought. He couldn’t imagine growing up knowing that your grandfather had good as abused your mother)? 

Leia didn’t say anything. She merely nodded. A quiet signal not to worry about her, to go on. Ben nodded once, before leaving. 

***

”She told you a bit of her history,” Luke said. Even as they sat in the training room, Ben nodded. 

“Yeah.” Ben swallowed. “It’s unfair that she has to be in so much pain.”

Luke nodded. “She’s strong, though. She’s always been. In all honesty, she puts me to shame sometimes.”

”Don’t say that,” Ben said. 

“It’s true, Ben. She stayed, I ran. I had my reasons, but they weren’t good enough.” Luke sighed. “I heard you and Jannah killed a tyrant.”

Ben shrugged. “Jannah should take all the credit.”

”True. It’s...a pity that he ended up as he did. He was one of my students. Alixus Padick, that was his name. He was one of the six students who left with Kylo when he...well, when he destroyed the Academy and killed the rest of my students.”

Ben bit his lip. “I’m sorry,” he said. It was unfair that Luke had to suffer so as well. And his other students. 

“Don’t pity me, young Thracin,” Luke said. “Thanatos Ren could have been anyone. The Dark Side is the worst part of ourselves. The road we must continually not take. It can’t be cut out. You have to struggle with it all your life. It’s only that you triumph — but even if you lose, it doesn’t mean the journey ends there.” 

“So Alixus,” Ben said, “Why did he conquer Kef Bir?”

”I think only he knows that. I do know that as a boy, he came from a planet that didn’t have enough to eat. A planet where the rich thrived and the poor grew poorer. Alixus actually said that if he hadn’t been Force Sensitive, he would have become a Senator for his people, seeking reform and healing.” 

“A Knight of Ren Senator,” Ben said. “Imagine that.”

Luke smiled faintly. “Yeah. Imagine that.”

They sat there for a while. Thanatos was a monster, but Alixus...Ben didn’t know what to think of him. It was best not to mention it to Jannah, though. Very much the best. 

***

They had drinks, of course. Just to celebrate their victory over Thanatos. It was a common tradition, getting wasted to celebrate a victory. It didn’t change the fact that the first drink was hard as hell to down. Ben nearly choked on the Corellian ale he was drinking, but eventually, it went down. He turned to Tallie. “Who the kriff made this? It tastes like Moraband threw up.”

Tallie giggled. She was more than a bit drunk, Ben couldn’t help but notice. “Lightweight,” she teased. 

“Oh, I’m not backing down from a challenge like that,” Ben said lightly. It was for the best, really. He remembered what General Organa said, about a broken leg not being healed by rushing it, and knew that the more he drank to forget the for-your-own-good comment that seemed to have resurfaced in his mind, the better. 

For your own good. What did Poe even mean by that? What was he even talking about? Why couldn’t he communicate with Ben like an adult, assuming they were both that way and not freak accident incidents of teenagers in adult bodies? Kriff, how did Ben feel? He knew he’d do anything to make Poe happy...

Maybe he could try and just have fun. Fun. What was that like? At least tonight. So despite the fact that Corellian ale tasted like piss, Ben downed another glass. Something about the feel of the alcohol warmed him from the inside, relaxed him. That was at least something, really. 

Something. 

Maybe it was best to find someone else. Someone who wasn’t Poe, for example. Someone who wasn’t out of reach. Find someone else. Maybe. 

The problem was that everyone (well, almost everyone, actually) had someone else. Ben had no one. Even thinking about it, it sounded almost self-pitying, but it was true. Jess and Tallie were developing, Rose and Jannah were in an established relationship, and Finn and Rey were also developing. So in the end, Ben had no one. And Poe, who he wanted, seemed to be fluctuating between letting him in and pushing him away.

Kriffing hell...

Ben took a swig from another glass, even as he felt a flare of discomfort from across the Bond. He turned around, only to see one of the pilots from Tallie’s squadron...well, she was too close to Poe. Too close for Ben’s liking. And Poe looked as comfortable as a gizka on a hot durasteel roof. 

Before Ben could stop it, he could all but feel the ugly sort of hate all but spreading behind his eyes, and something worse: how dare this pilot make Poe uncomfortable, how dare she try and touch him? 

Ben got up. He was already fighting what he already realized was jealousy, but he had to step in before the situation got worse. Even as he walked, he was aware of how clumsy and uncoordinated he felt. Still, he had to step in. A drunk Jedi. He almost wanted to collapse laughing. 

“Hey, hey you!” Ben shouted. “Get your hands off the pilot! He’s not interested.”

The pilot hitting on Poe turned around from where she was all but leering at him and wrinkled her nose from where she was looking at him. “Look who decided to shove his ugly mug in here.”

Ben could all but feel the anger rising in him. Anger that seemed all but paralyzing — he hated himself for being angry, and that only made it worse.

”Kriff off,” Poe slurred. “Not interested.”

”So you’re goin’ for that guy? No idea what a gorgeous guy like you would want with a fathier-face like him.”

”Hey, hey!” Tallie stormed over. “You talk to my friend like tha’ again an’ I’m tellin’ General Organa!”

The pilot seemed to freeze in that moment. Ben smirked. “You could spend the rest of the celebration thinking of insulting ways to get out of cleaning freshers with a toothbrush,” he said wryly. “Assuming you’re not done harassing Poe Dameron. He isn’t for you.”

***

Even as they stumbled away from the party, Poe swayed unsteadily. “I swear, Ben,” he said, “You’re like my brave knight.” He laughed. “Jedi Knight, that is. I mean, you’re not a Jedi Knight yet, but...”

”I’d do anything.” Ben sighed. “I don’t know why you...you shut me out so much! I’m not a mean person! Well, I was back there, but still...”

”N-no. You aren’t. I mean, that pilot deserved it.”

”Yeah. Poe...y’don’t think I’m ugly, do you?” Ben couldn’t say why he cared that much about such a simple detail. Such a trivial detail, even though there were times when he wondered how unlucky his parents were gene-wise to saddle him with a big nose and ears. “I mean, my nose — ”

Poe tapped Ben’s nose. In the haze of alcohol, Ben couldn’t help but find it exceedingly funny. “I like your nose,” Poe slurred. “It’s sophisticated. It’s you.” Then, “Kriffing hell, I love you, Ben. I dunno if it’s you or the fact you remind me of who Kylo was before he fell or...or...”

” ‘M not him,” Ben said. 

Poe’s face honestly seemed to fall. Even in his alcohol-induced haze, Ben wished he hadn’t said it. But he wasn’t Poe’s lost love. He knew that. 

“I hoped...” Poe said. 

He was grateful when Snap (who was thankfully sober) arrived, promising he’d get Poe to sleep. All the while, he cast a distrustful sort of look at Ben, even as Ben stumbled off to bed. It was once he reached his room that Ben kicked a nightstand, missed, and fell flat on his back.

”I hate you, nightstand,” Ben muttered, stumbling to his feet. He flung himself on the bed, burying his face in the pillow. Poe had declared his love to him, albeit in a weird way. And Ben had turned this gorgeous, caring man down. Even being drunk, that was just kriffing stupid. He groaned into his pillow, burying his face in it and thinking that on another note, he’d never get out of this bed again. 


	17. Hunting the Hunters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and co. get their next mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Waking up the next morning made Ben feel like his head was all but split in half. He groaned, forcing himself up to his feet, feeling like every move was an effort. Even getting dressed and heading out, he bumped into Poe...and they both looked startled, startled and a little embarrassed.

”About last night...” Poe sighed. “I guess you’re right. Maybe I’m just hoping for someone who won’t come back.” He rubbed his temples. “I swear it’s like my brain’s trying to comprehend my own stupidity...”

”You’re not the only one,” Ben said. He sighed. "I’m starting to care about you. Respect you. And...I want to make you happy.”

”You do.”

Even that knowledge was enough to make Ben’s heart lift at least a bit. He didn’t know what it was, but he wanted to make Poe as happy as possible. Wanted to make him smile. Anything at all. He wished that he hadn’t all but crushed Poe’s happiness (even if it was drunken happiness) like that. 

Poe continued. “You’re enough. More than enough." He sighed. “Stars, how many people do you think are running to Kalonia for hangover advice?”

”A lot.” Ben said lightly. He could only imagine the grumbling, headachey people going to Kalonia talking about how they shouldn’t have drank so much. 

Poe laughed. Kriff, Ben wished he wasn’t heartbreakingly gorgeous with the way he looked when he laughed. 

Then Poe said, “Could definitely use some comfort food right now.”

”Need any company?”

”Well...you need it too.” Poe sighed. “I was just so stupid last night...”

”It’s okay,” Ben said. 

“I just keep seeing him when I look at you. Even though...I know you’re not him.”

”Not your fault.” Ben knew, at least, that he wanted Poe to be happy. Happy...to see Poe resplendent and at peace, he’d do anything for that. 

It was after an awkward breakfast where both Ben and Poe seemed embarrassed about their behavior last night (and even the pilot who had been hitting on Poe seemed embarrassed by her behavior. At least there was that), that Ben headed out. He didn’t know whether to go to Leia, or Kalonia. Anyone who'd offer to give him advice, he supposed. 

***

”You coming in here for hangover advice?” Kalonia said wryly. 

“Well...I’m on the mend,” Ben said, a bit wryly himself. He sighed. “Doctor...I was also wondering...”

He trailed off. Was asking a medic for love advice even a good idea?

Kalonia sighed. “Leia told me. We’re...rather close, so I know quite a bit of what she knows. You’re having guy troubles. Well, worse than the norm.”

”I guess I’ve gotten so used to thinking he hates me,” Ben said. “I spent...a year thinking he was like my archnemesis. Like on a sitcom.” He sighed. “I’m not used to him caring about me. I don’t know why people caring about me feels so strange.”

Kalonia nodded. “Kylo’s parents didn’t get off to a good start either,” she said. “His father had suffered a loss...similar to Poe’s. A girl he loved turning bad. And he was hardened as a result. His mother, meanwhile, had suffered the destruction of her homeplanet, and they were at odds. And yet they let down their defenses. Leia still has his wedding ring.”

”Stars.” Ben swallowed. How two brave, kind people had ended up in such dire straits, Ben didn’t know. “And Kylo...”

Kalonia sighed. “There must have been something very wrong going on for Kylo to fall like that. Even when Leia told me, I knew there was something wrong with it.”

”It was Snoke.” Even telling her everything he knew, Ben swore that Kalonia’s eyes grew sorrowful. 

Kalonia sighed and shook her head. “Sometimes I wonder how many of these stories have been repeated for generations just with different circumstances and names. It makes me glad that I’m not Force Sensitive.”

”I can see that.” 

“And Snoke...what was done to him was wrong, but even so. I’ve seen people who’ve suffered the pain of losing a child. Miscarriages, murder, illness, accidents. Same with losing a spouse. That doesn’t mean he can make the galaxy suffer with him. I can’t be okay with what he did to Leia, all through Kylo.”

She sounded angry, if calm about it. And Ben could feel the pain behind it too — it was something he should have expected. Angry on top, broken beneath. 

“I don’t know if he’s sentient,” Kalonia said. “If he’s capable of compassion. Of feeling remorse. Maybe he will. But you don’t drag the galaxy into your own pit of misery. The Solos had nothing to do with his loss. Same with the rest of the galaxy. It’s unfair to drag them into it.”

Ben nodded. He couldn’t deny that. 

***

They had killed Thanatos. As General Organa said, though, they still had to deal with the remaining Knights of Ren. They varied where they were — they seemed to be scattered throughout the galaxy, at least according to Resistance intelligence. Even looking over the holos of them, Ben couldn’t help but feel a certain chilling familiarity. Like he had seen them before. Known them before. Why did he feel like that was the case?

”Capture them if you can,” General Organa said. “If you can’t...do what you’ve got to.”

Ben nodded. Somehow, it seemed like the most...practical course of action. Even as he headed towards the White Hawk, he rubbed his temples gingerly. Something was resurfacing. 

_He had the tools necessary. Even as he looked at the plain sheet of durasteel in front of him, he was aware that the task would take a while. Snoke disapproved of the idea of creating a mask, a “durasteel prison” as he called it. But somehow, he thought, he needed it. Without it, he felt defenseless, naked. He couldn’t picture himself going into battle without some sort of protective covering. Something shielding him from the outside galaxy. Something that would make him seem intimidating — no one would be afraid of a teenage boy who once had stars in his eyes. No one would be intimidated by a mere nineteen year old ex-Jedi. _

_They wouldn’t be intimidated by Ben Solo. Kylo Ren, though...they would remember him. Even as he sculpted and carved and pounded, he knew that Ben Solo would remain dead and buried as he deserved to be, but Kylo Ren would be effectively immortal. _

Evenas Ben resurfaced from his latest memory, he couldn’t help but feel shaken all the while. Ben. He finally had a name for who Kylo Ren had been. Maybe it didn’t mean anything, of course. How common was the first name “Ben” anyway? After all, Obi-Wan had had the name “Ben”. That didn’t mean anything. Did it? How many Bens were in one galaxy?

He supposed that it didn’t matter. He needed to get on the ship. Still, he wondered — why was it that he kept seeing image after image of Kylo Ren’s life? It didn’t make sense. Like he was just an empty vessel for Ren’s memories and woes.

He sighed and headed towards the ship. Headed towards it, with the others sending him concerned glances. They got in and sat in the main hold, looking over the holographic representation of each one of the Knights of Ren. Nara Ren, who was on Dantooine, apparently having taken the mantle of the Monk that Thanatos Ren used to have. Ekrain Ren, the Rogue. Sorian Ren, the Sniper. Dyra Ren, the Armory. Caedus Ren, the Master. Ares Ren, the Heavy. 

“So,” Finn said, “Sounds like we have quite a selection. Who are we going for first?”

Ben took a deep breath. “Sorian’s on Nar Shaddaa. I guess...we’re going there first.”

It was for the best. Capture if you could, kill if you couldn’t. It was for the best. So why, in the end, did Ben feel like crying? 


	18. Sorian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang arrives on Nar Shaddaa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Sorian Ren wasn’t going to lie; he was bored. 

It wasn’t usual that killing would be considered boring. Not usual in the slightest, actually. But really, the beings that he had to hunt weren’t much of a challenge. Not really. They were more akin to what Mandalorians would have thought about hunting cannoks back in the days of the First Jedi Purge. Occasionally, he’d come across a good challenge, an opportunity to use his lightsaber. But most of the time, it seemed that Snoke had made him the Knights of Ren’s resident cannok exterminator. Sometimes he’d have to capture prisoners and torture them for information. 

Well, that was what other people called it. “Torture” was a harsh word. Sorian preferred the term “enlightenment”. Making the enemy actually see how righteous the Knights of Ren were, their teachings true. The Republic and Jedi were beings with too much power squabbling over said power while the galaxy burned. It had been Snoke who suggested that there was another way, a better way, and Sorian was grateful for it. 

For now, he sat in his apartment in the Nar Shaddaa complex. For now, he wasn’t wearing his customary armor and mask. Not only were they cumbersome, not only did Snoke find them ridiculous, but there was such a thing as being too conspicuous on Nar Shaddaa. Even the Smuggler’s Moon knew what a Knight of Ren walking around in full armor looked like.

Under the mask, Sorian Ren was slim and short, with light brown hair that fell in his eyes a bit. Sharp blue eyes, eyes that seemed to pierce through those they looked at. No one would suspect the pretty one of having the mind of a beast. It had come in handy in his career. 

Still, he wondered, really, if there was more to his career than this. Of course, given that Thanatos had been killed on Kef Bir, forcing Nara to take his place, a storm was coming. That the Sniper knew. 

He could all but feel Snoke’s presence in his head. That familiar, scorching heat. Others would be scared of it, but Sorian took an odd sort of comfort in it. The Supreme Leader was wise, after all. He knew what to do. 

_Sorian_. 

“Supreme Leader,” Sorian said. He trusted Snoke completely all the while. 

_After a year, the elements align._

Sorian couldn’t say if that was a Milaran saying or anything like that. He only knew that it was strange. Snoke was an odd being, if wise. 

_Thanatos Ren has perished on Kef Bir. Meanwhile, the Master of the Knights of Ren is returning. _

“Kylo?” Sorian couldn’t help but feel like a Gamorrean had kicked him in the chest. “I thought he died...”

At least, whatever happened had given Sorian a good approximation of him dying. Sorian had been there to aid him before, when the remaining six students had turned on him. Accused him of killing Master Skywalker. There had been something wrong with the very thought, Sorian had known. He had actually stepped in, saved Ben when it looked like Ben was about to die. He hadn’t been there to save Kylo when Poe and that girl Lintra had shot him down. 

“You knew,” Sorian said. “You knew and you didn’t come back for him. You just left him.”

_The strongest must rule if we are to survive. Kylo wasn’t strong enough.   
_

_“_Kriff that,” Sorian said. “If the Resistance hurt him in any way, I’ll make sure they suffer.”

_I can imagine it’s like breathing for you. Best Kylo in battle, and prove your worth. _

Sorian knew he didn’t want to hurt the boy he’d saved the life of. And yet...

What if he’d been brainwashed by the Resistance? Made to fall? He wouldn’t be surprised if the Resistance had sexually assaulted Kylo while he was unconscious; he’d heard stories from people like Hux about what General Organa let the Resistance do to their prisoners, up to and including gang-rape and cannibalism. Sorian had always had a deep-seated fear of ending up in Resistance custody as a result. Or anyone else, for that matter. He could only hope that General Organa had had a flicker of compassion for her wayward offspring and spared Kylo suffering something so horrible. Even animals protected their cubs. 

Sorian sighed. He packed his gear, including his sniper rifle. In this case, he supposed, he’d have to rely more on his lightsaber than anything else. Sniper...not necessarily no more, but definitely not for the moment. He couldn’t simply walk up to the Resistance. It didn’t work that way. He would have to observe from the shadows, just for the moment. 

***

”Well, here we are,” Poe said. “Looks like we reached Nar Shaddaa.”

”Looks like we did,” Ben said. He couldn’t say he was doing well, if he was to be perfectly honest. He’d had another memory of Kylo’s, more specifically, a young man with light brown hair stabbing through a Jedi that was trying to kill him. Besides the fact that he didn’t want to view a memory of Kylo killing the Jedi at Luke’s Temple, there was also an element of panic in there. He knew that much. Like somehow, there was something worse behind the memory. And said Jedi accusing him of killing Luke...

What had happened? Ben had a feeling it wasn’t the whole story. 

“You okay?” Poe said. 

Ben nodded. “Just a rough night.”

”Oh. Sorry.” Poe’s voice was soft, sympathetic, all the while. Maybe it shouldn’t matter, Ben thought. Maybe Poe was just being nice to him because he reminded Poe of his lost love —

Somehow, he didn’t know if he believed it. 

The others shuffled into the main hold, looking pretty worn out in that moment. Ben wondered if they had had rough nights too. If they all had. Even as Poe went over the different parts of Nar Shaddaa — the Refugee Sector and so on — Ben couldn’t help but wish that there was room for Ben and Kylo both, at least for Poe. 

***

Exiting onto Nar Shaddaa’s landing pad wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience. Even putting aside the unpleasant feeling like they were being watched, Ben had to deal with a Toydarian dockmaster who, frustratingly, was immune to Jedi mind tricks. 

“Don’t take it personally,” Poe whispered. “Apparently you can’t mindtrick a Toydarian.”

”Obviously.” Ben sighed. “Look, it’s a landing pad. Ships land on it.” He could have sworn he heard Rose coughing like she was struggling not to giggle. 

“Really?” said the dockmaster sarcastically. “I had no idea! And here I thought you humans were smart.”

”Fine. How many credits do you want?”

”If you’re really taking over for another ship coming in then you’d better have some good credits...”

Poe, luckily, had enough credits that he had collected on missions to pay the landing fee. Ben sighed. “Stang, if I never have to deal with that again...”

”Yeah, Ben?” Poe said. “As funny and true as it was, don’t antagonize the dockmaster?”

”He started it,” Ben said. 

“We’re not going there...”

Even heading into Nar Shaddaa, Ben could all but feel the tension of the Smuggler’s Moon getting louder and louder the closer he got to the pit in the middle. The Jedi Arawn Sinn had come to that moon long ago, straightened out some things here. Of course, people fleeing the First Order had apparently come here just to escape Snoke and the others. 

Ben could see them, all too clearly. People in tattered clothing, looking like they were barely surviving. Images of First Order bombings, of a masked figure that Ben knew was Kylo Ren marching into villages and burning them —

“You feel it too?” Rey said. For some reason, Ben couldn’t help but feel a deep-seated sort of unease at those words, though he couldn’t at all say why. 

“Yeah.” Ben’s voice was soft in that moment. He wondered how exactly Kylo could have ruined so many lives. How he could have been so vicious. 

Even as they rounded a corner, they saw refugees that looked too thin, their clothes seeming to drape on them like potato sacks. There were mercenaries hassling a guy for credits and food — and Ben couldn’t help but feel, just feel, something in him start to rouse. 

He didn’t know how to react at first. Somehow, he had a feeling like he was used to charging into situations with his lightsaber drawn. Somehow. He had never held a lightsaber before, and yet all of it seemed like he knew it all before. It made no sense. 

And yet at the same time, he was almost terrified of doing the wrong thing somehow. He didn’t want to think about it. Still, he doubted that he could just stand by and watch. That wasn’t what heroes did, was it? 

Ben walked towards the mercenaries. “There a problem?” he said. 

The mercenaries turned to look at him. “Why don’t you move along?” the first one said. “It’s none of your damn business.”

”Trust me,” Ben said. “When it comes to stuff like that, it is my business.”

The second one practically guffawed. “Who do you think you are?”

Ben ignited his lightsaber in that moment. The mercs stared in horror, in amazement. 

“You like my saber?” Ben said. “Then get out of here.”

The first merc seemed to waver between scorn and amazement. Ben waved his hand in that moment. “You’ll not only forget you ever saw us, but you’ll go home and rethink your life.”

Even as the merc repeated the statement, Ben couldn’t help but wonder how easy it really was to do things like that — how frightening it could be if used for the wrong ends. 

Rey did the same for the second merc. Even as they left, the shaken civilian turned to look at them. “That was...that was a Jedi trick!” the guy said. “That was risky as all hell; they’re going to rain hell on you for doing that.”

”Yeah, we know,” Rey said. “Jacen here wasn’t exactly subtle with his...saber.”

Ben shrugged. “Couldn’t really stand by and let it happen,” he said. “What was going on?”

The man shrugged. “It’s pretty ruthless on Nar Shaddaa nowadays. I mean, they said things were better for a while, but then came the Empire and the First Order, so...” 

“I’m sorry,” Ben said. 

“Not your fault. Better get you to my place; I don’t want mercs coming after you too.”

Rey opened her mouth, clearly about to say they could handle themselves, but Ben said, “I was actually wondering if you could help us with a problem.”

The man nodded. “Best I can do.”

”Do you know where Sorian Ren is?” Ben said. 

“No idea. Was thinking that if there was a Knight of Ren lurking around, he’d probably be...anywhere. Depends on if he wanted to be seen or not. But yeah, you guys better get to safety. You can stay at my place.”

Rey sighed. “We’ll have to leave eventually.”

”That’s okay,” said the man. “Name’s Joran, by the way. Quite the motley crew you’ve got here.”

Ben nodded. He could only hope that Joran could be trusted. Still, was it any use distrusting someone whose life they saved? Probably not. 


	19. What Have They Done To You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben finds Sorian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Sorian could feel him, all too well, even as the man, Joran, led them down the hall. He couldn’t see Joran’s face, but he could hear his voice. And that presence...it was Kylo. Sorian knew the former leader of the Knights all too well, his presence seeming almost akin to being split. Powerful light, powerful darkness. All of it seeming all but blended together. Conflicted. Snoke had talked about that aspect like Kylo was meant to be their savior. Sorian had believed it. The galaxy needed a savior. And considering Master Skywalker had failed miserably at it, all of it...

Then Dameron and Lintra had shot Kylo down. Honestly, the fact that Kylo seemed so comfortable with Dameron...he hadn’t known that Dameron and Lintra had shot him down, did he? Did he care? 

There was something wrong with Kylo. He didn’t quite seem himself. Like he was no more than a shell of who he used to be. Had the Resistance raped his mind instead of his body? Sorian shuddered to think about it. 

He had to warn Kylo somehow. Even if Kylo refused to listen to him. He had saved Ben Solo when that Jedi Zeck had tried to kill him “for the good of the Jedi Order”. He could save Kylo again. 

***

”I think we should leave,” Ben said. They rounded a corner towards Joran’s apartment, and Ben couldn’t shake the feeling like they were somehow being watched. Like there was someone there, wanting. 

Joran sighed. “The apartment complex has some pretty colorful characters — ”

”No, really, I think we’re being watched.” Ben said. “It’s...kind of creepy, actually.”

”You sure?” Joran said. “I mean...it looks like all the doors are locked.”

”I feel it too,” Rey said. “The apartment across from you...the presence there feels hot...”

”Does that...mean anything?” Joran looked nervous now. 

“Usually means Dark Sider,” Ben said. 

And the look on Joran’s face — he looked positively terrified, almost like he wasn’t even considering the idea of a Knight of Ren living in one of the apartments on Nar Shaddaa. 

“Kriff,” he said. “We have to tell someone. Tell anyone. Before — ”

The door where Ben felt the presence opened, and the figure inside strode out of the apartment. Dressed in black, his light brown hair all but a mess...and Ben already had a strange feeling like this man — the same man he had seen who’d saved Kylo — was reluctant to fight. Sorian had tortured, taken lives, and yet in this area somehow he was conflicted? 

“What have they done to you?” Sorian said, and already, Ben couldn’t help but feel his blood turn to ice. 


	20. Forgetting Too Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorian and Ben face off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“You killed Thanatos Ren,” Sorian said. “I have to admit...I expected better.” His voice sounded brittle, if nothing else. “I don’t know what happened to you, but I’m taking you back before these vermin do any more damage.”

Ben blinked. “They haven’t done anything.”

”Well, you’re certainly not yourself!” Sorian said. What was wrong with him? Ben had never met him in his life. 

“You’re deluded!” Ben said. “I’ve never met you in my life...”

He didn’t expect the sheer look in Sorian’s eyes. How vulnerable the Knight of Ren looked. 

“I don’t know you,” Ben said. “I just know that you’re a monster. Just like everyone else in the Knights of Ren.”

Sorian still looked vulnerable. “Were you that different from us?”

”Don’t you dare.” Even underneath the outrage that Sorian would even suggest that he was anything like the Knights of Ren, Ben felt like he had been effectively frozen with panic. Why? Why all that panic? Something in him — why was he panicking? 

“Mike.” Poe spoke up in that moment. “Please. Don’t.”

Sorian laughed bitterly. “Well, if it isn’t General Organa’s loyal kath hound. Though I can feel you bristling to turn on your master. It squirms in you like a worm.”

Poe actually looked taken aback by the accusation. Then, “You don’t know anything about her.”

A shrug from Sorian. “Well, if the shoe fits, Dameron. Never thought you’d be out for revenge.”

”Leave him alone,” Ben said. “I’m not going to let you hurt him.”

”The only way I’m hurting him is telling the truth. You can’t possibly be getting attached to him, of all people?”

Ben swallowed. He wasn’t about to confess to an enemy that Poe was starting to mean so much to him. Even if Poe probably saw him as just a replacement. Even if that was all he was to Poe, just a copy. 

“I am.” And Ben ignited his lightsaber. Even hearing the ignition of the green blade, Ben was comforted by it. He would protect Poe, even if Poe didn’t feel anything for Ben himself.

Sorian looked so stricken in that moment. Even as he ignited his red lightsaber in that moment, froze Ben’s companions (and Ben couldn’t help but think _here we go again) _he looked, honestly, like he had been betrayed somehow. Ben didn’t know why. It wasn’t as if he and Sorian knew each other. It wasn’t as if Ben meant anything to him. It wasn’t as if he came from anything, was anything. 

It wasn’t like he was anything or anyone significant. 

“Then I’ll protect you,” Sorian said. “Even from yourself.”

Even as their lightsabers clashed, it felt mostly like they were struggling — Ben to take Sorian down, Sorian more to dissuade. Like they were somehow reversed — the Jedi the aggressor, the Knight the defender. The Knight defending himself. Ben couldn’t even imagine it, if he was to be completely honest. 

They fought. And somehow, just when Ben thought he had wounded Sorian, he kept getting back up. Like Ben’s attempts at besting him meant nothing. Ben couldn’t help but feel like it was all too familiar. 

“_Remarkable, isn’t it?” Snoke said. “I never thought that he was capable of doing that. Getting up even when badly wounded. It seems that as long as you need him, he will keep coming back. No matter how cracked and broken his body...”_

Ben blinked in that moment. Of all the memories to surface...

”_As Sorian Ren, I will honor you to the last.” Sorian, sounding earnest in that moment. _

"I don’t want to hurt you,” Sorian said. 

“Good job,” Ben said wryly. 

“If I die here...you’ve good as sealed your fate.”

”Fight or die,” Ben snarled, “But spare me your vague threats.”

He couldn’t kill Sorian. This he knew. But he could slow him down for the moment. He hoped. He reached through the Force —

— and Sorian flew into the wall. 

_The snow, on some bizarre planet. Rey and Finn facing him, quietly hating him for what he had done. Rey drew her blaster, and he knew what he had to do. He reached out in that moment, and even as Rey was lifted right in the air and slammed against a tree —_

Ben jolted out of the vision just in time. Shaken, he knew that Sorian would no doubt wake up, and...for whatever reason, he found that he couldn’t leave the Knight behind. It was strange. 

The others unfroze from their stasis, and it was Rose who stopped Jannah from shooting Sorian. Even as they took Sorian towards the White Hawk, Ben couldn’t help but wonder if he was doing the right thing. 


End file.
